*Yes, we sometimes give ratings
to days or weeks. It all harks back to our beginnings.
The views expressed in this weblog are those of the individual author alone and do not in any way reflect the views of any organisation or any other contributors.
Amy J and myself descended on Earls Court, London on Saturday for the MPH motor show. Here's the video, including a special guest appearance from a Dayorama legend:
It was something of a whistle-stop tour given we only had a couple of hours, then managed to spend almost half our time in a Pizza Express - but on the plus side, their Chicken Caesar salad was rather good.
Amy J got to see the show itself with Messrs Clarkson, Hammond and May. In the mean time yours truly was on a train back to Slough for the ice hockey - the Jets beat the Phantoms 4-2, find out all about it here.
By the way, I'll be starting at BBC Sport in London on the 19th or 20th of this month, you may be interested to know, hopefully with a day or two next week also thrown in, to familiarise myself with the place.
There is currently a great internal debate raging as to whether I should drive, take the train, or get the Oxford Tube. If anyone does an M40 corridor commute into London and has any advice on this matter, I'd be very grateful.
One last day here in the little fishing village of Sørvågen in the Norwegian Arctic, and with the weather clearing up a fraction, a chance to venture forth into the uplands surrounding Støvla, the mountain which dominates the horizon.
There is a brilliant lake at the back of the village, acting as a sort of ready-made nature reserve for the local bird life. But we're told that if you follow the paths out of the village you reach a beautiful second lake, hidden from view up above the village in Støvla's shadow.
It's about twenty minutes' climb up a waterfall before you reach the lake, powered by the melting ice and snow from the peak on the far side. Waterfalls are in abundance here - from belting great walls of water to the tiniest tributaries:
And amazingly, after another half an hour or so, we found signs of life up here. Tucked away thirty feet or so above one corner of the lake are a couple of cabins, as isolated as you can imagine:
Imagine owning that. This is the view you'd wake up to each morning:
You'd certainly get fit quickly, having to descend the mountain to reach the two village shops. Although that said, the local Norwegians don't seem overly fussed. While we were puffing and panting at the top of the climb, a Norwegian lady wearing a head-band bounced past us in a brisk jog, accompanied by her dog. Then as we made our way back down, the pair flounced back down the waterfall to lap us.
So this is it: our last night in Sørvågen. You can see where our cabin is if you look at the photo above - I've put a small, white circle around it. I can't recommend the village and the island highly enough, there is plenty left to do that we simply haven't had the time or weather to properly accommodate. Frankly it's a wonder my mother is leaving without having bought a cabin. We're going to have to disconnect her internet when she gets back home to prevent a financial disaster.
Tomorrow we catch the early (indeed, only) ferry back to the mainland, then the late flight back to Oslo. That leaves us with a few hours to fill, and we'll see if there's any interesting ways to fill them.
Now, so far, you may have gained the impression that the weather here in the Arctic has been surprisingly good - and you'd be correct.
Today the Arctic chose to put that right. Things looked ominous enough on the bus to the Viking museum, a two hour journey across the island to the exposed North coast...
But only having been dropped off in the village of Borg by the bus driver, who couldn't quite believe we were disembarking, did the true horror become apparent:
It then took us half an hour to establish where the Viking centre was, in driving rain and wind the likes of which I may never see again. This despite the building being a reconstruction of the largest Viking building ever built, a chieftain's hall that stood here in the ninth century.
My mother is now insisting that I write nothing bad about the weather because we don't want to give the impression we didn't enjoy it. And she's right - we enjoyed every minute, despite the weather. Here's mum enjoying the weather once we'd found the Viking centre and sheltered in the entrance:
I'm afraid we have no photos of the exterior of the building to offer you, because neither of us were going to risk life and limb hanging around to take photos in that.
But inside, it was pretty good, not least because of the roaring fire warming the main chieftain's hall. And there we found a young man sporting ninth century clothes with an impressive command of both the English language - he used the 'consternation' at one point, and I have to confess I don't know how to say 'consternation' in any other language - and Viking history.
We don't know his name, so I shall call him Tobin, which is a good Norse name. Tobin's job is to stand inside this reconstructed Viking building all day, welcome visitors, and explain what would have gone on - and what the other people hired to prat about in silly ninth century costumes are doing.
Tobin's knowledge of Viking history was actually very useful, since I spent my degree studying all these things from the Anglo-Saxon point of view, which goes something like:
"Everything was lovely and we were just getting the hang of Christianity when over came the Vikings, who destroyed the lot, and we threw a bit of a tantrum and decided to stop writing for three hundred years."
According to Tobin, the Viking side of the story goes something like:
"We never bothered writing before and we certainly don't like the look of all these Christians with pens, so we'll go over and slaughter the lot before they can open a Parker shop in Oslo."
Well it was possibly a little more sophisticated, but the gist of one theory seems to be that the Viking attacks on England were pre-emptive strikes to stop all this Christianity nonsense getting to their homeland. It may also have a lot to do with the Norse gods - apparently the followers of Odin had a war with the followers of Thor, and the end result may have been, to quote Tobin, "lots of angry young men with big swords", with not much better to do than invade England.
Not that those two were the only gods. Can anyone spot the gods of fertility in the room?
Apparently the gentleman on the left was known as a good warrior god too. Well, if you're going to start swinging that around...
After an hour or so dominated by the enthusiastic Tobin and his Viking history, we decided to brave the outside world once more, with an hour to go before the bus back home.
Alas, we discovered that the Viking centre hadn't bothered to open its cafe. Happily help was at hand in the form of a roadside cafe just across the way. We got in, gazed at the menu and each ordered a healthy lunch, only to be told the cafe was closed and wasn't re-opening for some hours yet. Quite why cafes close for lunch in Arctic Norway remains a mystery. We were able to purchase a large bag of crisps, a Bounty, and two Cokes.
Here's my mother enjoying the weather again, this time huddled in the small dry patch afforded by a table outside the shut cafe:
Still, at least with our cameras we found a way to pass the time until the bus came:
Typically, it was the same bus driver who picked the two drowned English rats up from the side of the road, and merrily chirped "Back home?" as his fingers danced across his ticket machine. Good of the Arctic to remind us precisely where we are.
Welcome back to our tour of Arctic Norway. Lack of internet access means you're only now getting pictures from last Thursday. In reality we're now back home, but for the next few days, you'll have to imagine we're still there.
We left Bodø on Thursday by boat, bound for the Lofoten Islands off the Norwegian coast.
It's a four hour journey across to the southern harbour of Moskenes, although it's important to stress that none of the settlements on the island are really towns - they're fishing villages at best.
There's not really much room for towns when you consider the Lofoten Islands are essentially a wall of mountains rising out of the sea.
And that sun was still shining so temperatures remained decidedly un-Arctic for most of the voyage. That is until we got close to the coastline and I ventured onto the right hand side of the boat, in the shade - where the heat vanished and I was left barely able to hold the camera after 20 seconds.
At Moskones we were met by Steinar, the man who owns the cabin in which we'll be staying. Steinar's opening gambit was to explain the origin of his name, which apparently means something akin to "stones" in a certain Norwegian dialect he referred to as "new Norwegian". I'm very keen to learn Norwegian but if you're going to start throwing dialects at me, I'm going to be in a lot of trouble.
Steinar drove us the couple of miles south to Sørvågen, a tiny community of some 20 or 30 cabins arranged around a neat little harbour. As I write fishing vessels are bobbing up and down outside the window, beyond which rises an immense snow-capped peak. Look out of the front door and all you can see is a chain of mountains stretching beyond the horizon.
Steinar has lived on the Lofoten Islands all his life and, as you might expect, his family have longed earned a crust from fishing. His father was a fisherman from the age of 14, buying a landing post when he was 50, then setting up business trading and exporting fish. Steinar, however, reserves fishing as a recreational activity for when the lakes above Sørvågen ice over in winter. His wealth derives from these cabins and his museum, which we'll hopefully visit later.
The cabin is a beautiful detached, wooden affair set one row back from the sea front. As you enter through the front door there is a small toilet and bathroom on your left, a small room on your right, and then the main living area is ahead of you, with a kitchen, fireplace and living space.
But the best bit is probably the bedroom. Perhaps the draft is quite nippy on ground level, or maybe the occasional bear comes by and you need a little height advantage - either way, the beds are located above the entrance in this cubby-hole:
Access is via a terrifying wooden ladder, the intricacies of which I have yet to master. Thank the lord for the mattresses, because I need a good lie down each time I attempt to get up it.
It's now our first morning in Sørvågen and our priority is shopping. A slight absence of thought left us with two Jaffa cakes and a packet of brownies for both last night's dinner and this morning's breakfast, so foraging for fresh supplies is a must. Then we'll walk down to Steinar's place in the delightfully-named village of Å (pronounced "or") just down the road.
Finally, my mother wishes to contribute to the collection of foreign food which English people might find amusing. She found these in a fridge on the boat:
She insists "to urge" is a different way of saying "to vomit", although I've never heard that before. You be the judge.
It's always a good idea to leave when you think your town might be on fire:
At just gone 7am we were already on our way back to the station when we saw the above, replete with bands of firefighters just around the corner. Not a great start for someone on Norway's national day - as we left the hotel a brass band was already doing the rounds, pumping out traditional anthems to the inhabitants of Trondheim.
But for us, another train ride: hundred of miles north into the Arctic Circle, to the town of Bodø.
I'd been expecting a small two-carriage affair but the Norwegian state railway came up with this heffalump to drag us north. It took nearly ten hours to wind along the coast, through the uplands, deep into mountain ranges and over vast rivers. This is not the view you get from Reading to Paddington:
About two thirds of the way through the journey, on the Saltfjellet plateau a couple of thousand feet above sea level, we passed the boundary of the Arctic Circle - as denoted by this barely visible monument in the foreground, tricky to photograph when passing it at 80mph:
This being Norway's national day, the train company had clearly felt obliged to lay on something a little different. On two or three occasions during the journey, a lady's voice came over the tannoy. She said something in Norwegian, laughed a bit, then proceeded to sing:
Naturally the train reached Bodø on time, at 5:25pm.
Forget Arctic conditions - the sun was beating down and though there was a definite nip to the air, it could have been a cold day in Berkshire. Even this morning as I write, the sun remains - and it's been there practically all night, since we're just days away from the midnight sun, where its top arc never sets below the horizon at points this far north of the equator. By midnight last night it looked like 5pm back home.
We went for a quick look around Bodø and of course, it was still the Norwegian national day, so festivities continued apace with a fairground and dozens of people in traditional Norwegian attire. Down on the dock, we couldn't decide if these were naval officers or kids who spent £5 extra on rent-a-uniform in Moss Bros:
Today we're travelling on to the Lofoten Islands and a fisherman's cabin, which will become home for the next few days. One suspects the cabin is not wi-fi enabled so expect reports to dry up while we visit the Viking museum, go off on boat trips and maybe try to canoe ourselves somewhere without getting sucked into the world's largest maelstrom, which sits nearby.
Finally, I note with immense disappointment that I am not the most northerly Arctic-based BBC journalist at the time of writing. Science correspondent David Shukman has gone to Resolute, in the Canadian Arctic, and in a couple of days he's aiming to be on the Ayles Ice Island, an enormous block of ice calved off the Ayles Ice Shelf at the top of Ellesmere Island.
He's providing daily updates here and promises video to go with it. I knew I should have bought that bloody video camera in Trondheim. Sometimes you just have to admit defeat.
A few months ago David presented a selection of faux tube signs from around the globe. I'm proud to announce I can add to the tally:
Trondheim is the third largest city in Norway, sitting roughly midway up the country, before it turns into a narrow outcrop between Sweden and the sea (which is what we'll be travelling up tomorrow). The small tourist guide the city offers tells me it is twinned with the Palestinian city of Ramallah, although I've little doubt which of the two I'd rather be spending time in.
Not that I've spent all day here - it's a seven hour journey here through breathtaking scenery...
... Made even longer by an unscheduled half-hour stop in a mountain pass:
One wonders if people in grass houses are allowed to throw stones.
The trains here don't appear very large, and it seems you only get a seat if you book in advance - none of this British last-minute nonsense. Our 08:07 service from Oslo to Trondheim had four carriages, tomorrow's marathon run from Trondheim to Bodo will be undertaken by a train of just two coaches. Platform length in Norway is not an issue.
Our hotel is just a stone's throw from Trondheim station (it's not made of grass so we're safe), and only a few minutes' walk from the many and varied shops, plus the cathedral. This building is nearly a thousand years old, and I've seen few facades as imposing as this exterior:
Those Vikings, eh. Culture vultures. Admittedly it's seen its fair share of restoration in the ensuing near-millennium, but Trondheim Cathedral is a fine sight. It's a shame we couldn't go in, but then Norway is really only just opening up after the winter - this time last month Trondheim lay under a blanket of snow, and I'm in no doubt that the snow will still remain over much of tomorrow's route. Before May the cathedral only sprang to life on Saturdays - at least now it opens daily, if only til 3pm, when we were still on the train.
Tomorrow's nine or ten hour trundle into the Arctic Circle will take place on a train with no buffet car and, although there apparently might be a vending machine, we've no desire to sustain ourselves on a Bounty and a Pepsi Max from 7am til 5pm. So earlier this evening we ventured out in search of food, and thus I can now post the obligatory photo of foreign food that looks funny to English people:
We are now armed with the Norwegian equivalent of Jaffa Cakes, bread and cheese, blueberries, apples, crisps, and drinks for the journey. Plus Travel Scrabble and some card games. But I'm hoping it's the scenery that will make the ten hours fly.
Funnily enough tomorrow is the Norwegian national day. It seems a bit odd to be spending it on the train - one of the very few services actually running on this Bank Holiday equivalent - but it beats the usual humdrum tourist photo op as the usual suspects parade down the streets in national dress with marching bands. Perhaps there's nothing better to do on a country's national day than try to see as much of it as you can, travelling half its length by train.
So far I've been blessed with a bit of luck as regards wireless networks. The hotel in Oslo had a wireless hub on every floor, and Trondheim is proud to boast that it was one of the world's first fully wireless cities. But up in the Arctic Circle I suspect things will get a bit trickier, so it might be this time next week when I resurface. In the mean time - wish you were here. There's no finer scenery on Earth.
We landed at the airport on a glorious day, quite unlike the weather when we left England, and apparently unlike the weather anywhere else in Norway. The Norse gods had preserved a patch of sunlight for my mum and I to start our week's tour of the country in its capital.
Oslo is a brilliant little city, nothing like the size of somewhere like London and all the better for it. The streets are humming with young people in dazzling, unique shops, along tree-lined boulevards punctuated by marvellous fountains like the above. Everywhere we go, people are smiling.
Not only that, but everywhere we go, they speak English - the swines. I'd love to improve (alright, start) my Norwegian, and I've got a few basic phrases to my name, but what's the point? The moment you say "Hi!" (works for both Norwegian and English), they can tell your nationality by your inflection and swap language accordingly. We've spoken to at least twenty people and not one of them has been without a robust command of English far beyond my command of, say, French, let alone Norwegian. It's embarrassing even trying.
Of course it's difficult to complain for too long given how much easier that makes life in a foreign city. And talking about making things easier, what a brilliant idea this is:
These bikes live in special cubby holes all over the city. You register at a corner shop then use a special card to unlock a bike for use. Pedal it to wherever you want, leave it at the nearest cubby hole, then pick up another one as needed. Environmentally friendly transport for the masses at dirt cheap prices - ingenious. Except in London would they be vandalised to hell within minutes?
We've walked right across town to a beautiful converted shipping district, now a shopping centre by the name of Akel Brygge, then back again. On the way back my mum, who's learning the saxophone and proceeding apace by all accounts, bumped into this busker as he struck up for the first time:
There's live music all over town, and not just on the streets. As we reached the hotel in the early evening a rock band were giving it their best shot in the rooms above a nearby shop. I wonder how dispiriting it is for them that Norwegian radio is packed full of British hits (Girls Aloud are on heavy rotation).
Norway's reaching the stage of the year where the sun never sets:
It's taken til gone 10pm for it to even think about going down over Oslo, and by the time we get above the Arctic Circle I imagine it'll barely kiss the horizon. Not that it looks like we'll be seeing much of the sun for the next two days - rain is forecast as we make our way north, but since that involves two train journeys totalling nearly 16 hours, we're protected from the elements.
I'll try to write from Trondheim - the halfway mark - tomorrow, before we press on to the Arctic town of Bodo and beyond.
For the final day of Premiership football in the 2006/07 season, I was sat in front of a PC at work while all around me Five Live and BBC local radio descend into a commentary frenzy.
Here's what could have happened: two of Spurs, Bolton, Reading and Portsmouth could claim the last UEFA Cup qualifying spots. And one of West Ham, Wigan and Sheffield United would go down. What better way to pass the time than keep tabs on the frenetic, violent, often hilarious atmospheres of each team's unofficial fans' message boards? Start at the bottom of the post for chronological order.
16:56
Nothing doing. Reading draw 3-3, a thrilling game to listen to, but no European reward. I'd better go and write the match report. Football's a pretty bloody good sport.
16:49
I have just run nearly the length of the radio station as Reading put the ball in the net a fourth time... only for it to have been ruled out by the referee. For God's sake... but Blackburn have just had a goal disallowed too. This is a very valid sentiment:
"Did anyone think at the start of the season we'd be one goal away from europe? Well done Reading! Whatever happens."
16:43
You know what, sod the message boards, it's too exciting in this newsroom. Reading are level at 3-3 and Villa have just equalised. If either Reading or Villa get another goal, Reading go into Europe. Portsmouth could still ruin all of this if they win and Reading and Bolton draw. Jesus.
16:38
Someone on the Reading message board seems to have a collection of Steve Coppell photos. Every time a goal goes in during any match, a photo of Steve looking suitably vexed appears on the board. Of course it doesn't matter if the goal is for Reading, Blackburn, or indeed anyone else - Steve's expression does not change.
Tell you what, I bet the expression just changed then. As I type, Brynjar Gunnarsson has rifled the ball into the net and it's 3-3. This is pant-wettingly exciting football. Come on Villa.
16:35
By some miracle, West Ham are still ahead at Old Trafford and therefore staying up with room to spare.
"We're close now men! 20 minutes from rewriting history!"
Not sure what they teach the kids of East London in history lessons, but it would appear the textbooks of Plaistow are in for a bit of a tippexing at this rate.
16:31
Sheffield United fans are now in "heart attack alley" according to one Blades fan. They're also going down at this rate. And there'll be no Europe for Reading - Bolton are still winning and the Royals are now 3-2 down, plus there's a scrap going on at Ewood Park. Oh dear oh dear.
16:24
The madness continues. Reading have equalised again through Kevin Doyle but Bolton are still ahead, so Europe is still off. "I'm gonna have a coronary," says one Reading fan. No change at the bottom.
16:16
Blackburn go 2-1 up over Reading and there's all sorts of claims about offside - but Bolton are 2-1 up as well now, so it looks like it's all over. The Reading message board's swear filter replaces swearing with the name of their old local rivals. Most messages on it now simply read:
"Oxf*rd!"
16:08
A Bolton fan (remember, challenging Reading etc for Europe) has posted a "wanted" list:
"A hat-trick from Anelka
A double hatrick from Cristiano Ronaldo or some other Man U player
Sheff Utd v Wigan - no change"
You get the feeling not many people want West Ham United to stay in the division. This doesn't matter to their fans:
"45 minutes to keep a clean sheet and win £35 million!"
16:05
All the games are about to get underway again. "This is terrible," says one Sheffield United fan. "Don't give in!" Says another. "Give 'em hell!"
15:50
West Ham have conjured up a goal and that'll keep them up in style at this rate. It's half time almost everywhere, but Wigan have got a penalty. Can they score? YES. Sheffield United now going down. There is a ridiculous amount of action this afternoon.
15:40
Jesus Christ it's all happening. Villa have equalised at Bolton so if Reading get a second, that'll put them into Europe. City have got a goal back at Spurs. But more importantly, Sheffield United have equalised against Wigan and as things stand, Wigan are now going down. Who - who - would be a football fan?
There were rumours before these games that Sheffield United and Wigan would conspire to send West Ham down. The West Ham fans are starting to think this is unlikely:
"Sheffield United now know how it feels to be in that drop zone on the last day. They will not want to be back there. F*ck helping Wigan out."
15:37
Seol Ki-Hyeon's equalised for Reading. Maybe it's not all over yet - come on Villa. That goal timed at five minutes after one Reading fan posted the following analysis:
"Seol is a tosser."
One minute after the goal:
"I take it back. He is a bit of a tosser."
15:33
With the European dream being cruelly ripped away from them, Reading fans are descending into a little in-fighting, replete with the sort of sarcasm you can only find on internet message boards.
ddetisi: "It's Paul Merson's fault! He tipped us for Europe!"
nivek elyod: "I think it's probably our fault because we let the ball cross our goal line."
Bolton have just gone a goal up against Villa and Spurs are 2-0 up over Man City, so there's really only one European spot up for grabs and at the moment it's comfortably Bolton's. Sheffield United are currently going down but if West Ham go behind at Man Utd, it'll be them instead.
15:28
West Ham fans want Sheffield United to win, which would keep them both up at Wigan's expense. Sheffield United look more likely to field Elvis and Shergar as second half substitutes. Anger ensues from the West Ham camp:
"Colin's lot look like schoolboys."
"Emile Heskey in 'good game' shocker. Of all the days."
"Colin" is Sheffield United manager Neil Warnock. It's an anagram. Work it out.
15:24
Blackburn have gone 1-0 up over Reading, which is the equivalent of lightly tapping the first couple of nails into the coffin of Reading's European dreams. God, what a sentence that was. Marcus Hahnemann got thwacked over the head in the build-up and he'll have to go off.
"Blackburn 1-0 GAYNESS!" Exclaims "Kitson12" on the Reading board.
I didn't know Gayness had a team. They must have some incredible chants.
15:20
"Could have done with a favour from City," says young Borat-face the Reading fan, which is like saying I could do with Jennifer Lopez underneath the desk. Enjoyable thought, phenomenally unlikely.
15:16
Wigan are a goal up. The swear filter is replacing entire posts on the Sheffield United board with asterisks. Over on the West Ham board, they're all repeating the Wigan score to each other. If Wigan win and West Ham lose, it's curtains for the Hammers.
15:10
Man City are already behind at Spurs, which definitely doesn't help Reading's European chances. Of course, being a Man City fan, this result could have been predicted months, nay, years ago. Still, it's annoying to see it happen.
West Ham fans are giving each other "online hugs" on their message board. Meanwhile, on the Bolton board, one fan is verging on pessimism:
"We will lose by 12 goals to nil. All scored by Thomas Sorensen."
15:05
"cmonurz", Reading fan with small picture of Borat next to his name: "Legia Warsaw here we come!"
No one has scored yet. Slightly premature from the Borat fans.
14:55
Steve Coppell on BBC local radio, Five Live discussing the weather for Sheffield United v Wigan.
Pursey, on the Knees Up Mother Brown forum (West Ham): "F*ckin' do it."
A brief warning that, this coming Tuesday, I'm off to Norway for a week and a bit. In fact I'm off to some of the very top bits of Norway, in a geographical sense - I'll be inside the Arctic Circle by Thursday.
The plan is to bring you photos and tales of derring-do from the journey and the Arctic itself, but this relies heavily on me finding a way onto the internet, which is far from guaranteed. So with Shep also on holiday you may be left with a rather quiet Dayorama for a week or so (OJ, OJ, wherefore art thou...).
This time next week, I'll be asleep in a fisherman's cabin (minus fisherman, we've hired it) on the Norwegian Lofoten Islands. That is an incredible thought.
The waiting list for a place in the Top Gear studio audience is over 300,000 people. It would take 29 years, with a show every day, to clear the backlog. Happily, winning tickets to the filming of Top Gear Of The Pops in a Comic Relief auction drastically shortened my waiting time.
Yesterday afternoon Amy J and I drove down to the disused Dunsfold Aerodrome in Surrey, home to the gigantic hangar which houses the show's studio (and next to which sits the runway and track on which they test cars).
We arrived slightly early and had to wait in a car park in the corner of the airfield for two hours, but we were by no means alone and the time passed in a flash. We were then herded, in the dark, down between barbed-wire fences, watchtowers and outbuildings, to the hangar itself.
Once inside we were treated to four hours of Top Gear Uncut, except without the cars. This is a Comic Relief special combining the Top Gear presenters with the music you'd find on Top Of The Pops (Travis, Supergrass and McFly star, and we saw them all live). So naturally, none of them really knew what to say - in fact they only knew they were doing the show ten days earlier.
Imagine being stood right next to a camera as Richard Hammond tries to pull a serious face at it and talk about the purpose of Comic Relief, with Jeremy Clarkson and an entire studio audience putting him off.
Imagine a cameraman handing you Jeremy Clarkson's Diet Coke to look after, then nobody coming back for it, so taking a cheeky swig then escorting it home as a souvenir.
Imagine being at the very front as Richard Hammond, James May and Jeremy Clarkson perform as a band, playing Billy Ocean's "Red Light Spells Danger" live with former Darkness frontman Justin Hawkins on vocals.
Doesn't sound too bad, does it? Look out for it this coming Friday night as part of Comic Relief. You'll also get:
McFly being challenged to write a song using funny words, but chickening out.
A Bottom star on guitar.
A pigeon and a wind machine.
Jeremy Clarkson speaking up for the Genesis album Selling England By The Pound.
And of course there's much more. But where you get half an hour, we got four solid hours, including numerous bits of on-stage banter too slanderous to repeat here, let alone on the BBC.
I'm off to re-read the script I stole, but I'll leave you with some photos. Clicking on any will take you to my Flickr account, where you can find larger versions.
Hey, tell you what - this basketball lark's a lot better than I'd previously suspected.
Football's my game and I've sat through a few relegations, plus the occasional promotion, and they were pretty heart-stopping affairs. But at least you had moments in the game where you could take a breath or two and try to gather your thoughts.
Basketball, on the other hand, is relentless in its mathematical massacre of your mind. After three seconds of today's National Trophy Final between Reading Rockets and Worthing Thunder, Reading scored. Four seconds later, Worthing were winning by 3 points to 2. So I'd been watching seven seconds of basketball and had already experienced joy and frustration.
By the end of the first quarter, with the scores level, I was staring at the bloody stubs where once there were fingernails. At half time I needed defibrillating. With three quarters gone and Rockets nursing a 15-point lead I was elated. Five minutes later, with that 15-point lead obliterated and Worthing within two points, I was near-suicidal. And then we - er, Rockets - won.
You try and be neutral on an occasion like this. I'd travelled up with the team and fans, eaten with them, slept if not with them then in the same hotel, been in the changing rooms before the game, and basically been there to experience just about every aspect of basketball for two days. It was thrilling and I'm extremely grateful to the team and management for letting me come on board, both literally and metaphorically.
Hopefully I've got some good video of the game and the build-up, which I'll spend tonight and tomorrow editing up - I'll post a link when it's done. But seriously - don't write off basketball as just another minority sport enjoyed by a few loons insisting on being different. This game finished 91-85 to Reading and I felt every point, disputed every foul, kicked every advertising board the Rockets coach demolished (he's not the Steve Coppell of basketball).
And you know what? This is the team's first National Trophy title. I'm a lucky charm. This seat on the luxury coach is reserved for future Cup finals.
I'm on the Reading Rockets' coach going up to the National Trophy Final in Newcastle, to be held tomorrow afternoon. We've got the Rockets squad on board, plus a group of the team's most loyal supporters, and of course the Rockets' coaching and backroom staff.
This is not your ordinary coach. When I booked my place on it I had visions of it being one of those outwardly quite swish but inwardly knackered and boring coaches you get lumbered with on school trips - lucky if you've got a TV at the front, no creature comforts, don't go near the toilet if such a device even exists.
This coach has a toilet and, though I haven't been near it through years of training to avoid such things, I'm sure it's fine. Because this coach also has an oven. And a microwave, a sink, and fridges in between the seats. Every seat has a table, and there are four DVD flat screens. My laptop has its own power point and my headphones are plugged into the table, which is giving me the Five Live commentary on the football.
I'm told the coach company involved narrowly lost out on the contract to supply transport to Reading FC, and you can see why. This makes travel by train, formerly my preferred method of travel if someone told me to go to Newcastle, look like an amateur, painful, expensive form of self-harm.
We've just stopped for a very welcome KFC - another surprise since I hadn't expected Britain's top sportsmen to partake of the Colonel's Secret Recipe on the journey up. However I'm told the players do bring pasta and other such sporty foods, they just don't worry too much the day before a game. This is an attitude I applaud. It's certainly difficult to lose the Reading Rockets team in the crowd at the services, since most of them are upwards of 6' 8" in height.
We're around 30 miles away from Sheffield so there's a while to go yet. I've got Shaun Goater's autobiography, the radio, the laptop and possibly one of the best basketball teams in the country to keep me occupied. Time should fly.
This evening marked a minor first for me: the first full, live show I've produced. Every Friday night from now on, at 7pm, we have an hour's sports round-up with things like football, rugby, basketball, athletics, cricket, speedway and so on.
Tonight we kicked off with Alec Stewart, who was very good previewing the forthcoming Cricket World Cup in the West Indies. He's going out there with another former England captain, Graham Gooch, and together they're spending the two weeks on a boat touring the Caribbean with some lucky people who won trips on it. Not a bad life for these retired England captains, is it?
I also asked him what he thinks of Paul Nixon, the 36-year-old brought in to keep wicket for England at the World Cup. Stewart toured with Nixon six years ago but kept him out of the side - I asked why, if Nixon wasn't good enough six years ago, he was suddenly good enough now.
The answer: "He was good enough six years ago, but he wasn't as good as me."
Credit also to my co-presenter Tim for one of the more glowing put-downs I've ever received, on or off air. In an interview the Maidenhead United boss told us that one player had had to leave because his wife had given birth the previous Saturday. Tim commented that this was a disgrace, giving birth on a matchday - I added that my dad had never really forgiven me for making him miss a 0-0 draw between Man City and West Ham when I was born.
"I'd rather have had the 0-0 draw than you," said Tim. Thanks for that.
Tomorrow brings another landmark: I'm off to Newcastle to report on the national basketball final between Reading Rockets and Worthing Thunder. Just like Arsenal and Chelsea going to Wales for the Carling Cup, it's another mildly nonsensical relocation of players and supporters a few hundred miles to the north for two hours, at most, of sport.
I'm going on the team coach with the Rockets and their fans, and staying at their hotel, which should be quite a nice experience - and of course I'll be at Sunday's final reporting for the web, radio, and local TV news. It's the furthest I've been in the pursuit of sport since joining the BBC, and it should be a great couple of days, armed to the teeth with recording and live broadcast equipment.
We had a very pleasant young man in on work experience today and when describing what I did for a living, it suddenly became extremely apparent that essentially, my job is a glorified hobby. Long may it remain that way.
You think 42's going to be something to do with The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, don't you? That I'm going to make some utterly vacuous but supposedly witty point about 42 being the meaning of life, the universe and everything. Oh, the humanity.
I'm not: 42 is the answer to everything, but only if you're playing cricket. In 42 separate laws, the entire game of cricket is enshrined. Yes, I'm learning to become an umpire.
I don't want to be Shane Warne in that picture. Stuff him. He's probably done that wrist of his all sorts of damage, and he's a sportsman. We know from my physique that if I'm going to be a sportsman, I'd better get good at darts quite quickly. But I don't like darts, and I do like cricket. No, I want to be the umpire (it's Billy Bowden, the man and the legend) - stood there, telling Shane there's no way in hell that's out, oh and by the way, that's five penalty runs for damaging the pitch.
Every Wednesday - starting with the one just gone, and running through the next nine - myself and the erstwhile Amy J are umpires in the making. Sat like naughty schoolchildren as we giggled at cricketing anecdotes from our team of five instructors, we've just whiled away one of the best evenings I can remember having in years.
And the thing is, it's only that good an evening if you're a very select breed of animal: someone who finds few things more entertaining than an unlikely umpiring conundrum. For example:
Q: A fair delivery hits the batsman's pads and rolls towards his wicket. Seeing this, he kicks the ball away which goes between the slips towards third man. The non-striker calls for a run. They cross on the first run, then the third man fielder throws the ball in an attempt to run out the batsman. He misses and the batsmen decide to run a further two runs before the fielder returns the ball to the wicket-keeper, and the ball is dead. How many runs are scored?
A: Two.
If you don't understand why, then the answer is simple: you need to come to umpire training. Here, with thirty eager students of all ages sat around them, five instructors impart wisdom and tell of immensely implausible cricketing scenarios, like Vikings of the wicket, commemorating the correct application of Law 37.4 in song.
(Which, if you're interested, specifies that a batsman who picks up the ball with his hand and throws it back to the fielding side may not be given out Handled The Ball, but may be given out Obstructing The Field - only, of course, if the fielding side appeal).
I'm delighted to say I've got some fantastic moments from the evening on tape, ready to use in a radio feature on Monday morning. But the hilarity certainly won't end tonight, with nine more sessions coming up, and that's just the first part of becoming an umpire. We could be at this for three years! We now have copies of the umpire's bible, Tom Smith's New Cricket Umpiring And Scoring, and it's possibly the single greatest textbook I've ever had. A textbook all about cricket! As Amy observed, an Oxford degree's got nothing on this.
Forget academia. Forget broadcasting. We're umpires now. And we'll let you know what each new week brings. I'll pop a link on here when I've written a proper feature.
Contrary to what you see here, there was only one Frank Gillard.
Frank was a correspondent during the Second World War, the voice on the radio at a time when that voice meant everything. He was also the man who envisaged a BBC with localness at its core, whose vision gave birth not only to BBC Local Radio, but also provided the blueprint for Radios 1, 2, 3 and 4.
Great, then, that his memory should be celebrated so whole heartedly by everybody from tea-boys made good (or not in my case), to the BBC's Deputy Director General, Mark Byford, whose eulogy genuinely brought a tear to my eye.
The awards themselves weren't important. (From that, you'll glean that we didn't win any Golds*.) What was central to the event was a sense of pride in what we do, and universal marvel that we often manage it on a relative shoe-string, against all odds.
What was also central to the event was drink. Several household names were flushed under the tables on red and white lakes of their own, including one 6Music presenter who I was delighted to meet, but from whom I managed to rouse little decipherable response.
I was far from immune to the odd drunken splutter myself, but fortunately managed to survive a chance encounter with Mark Byford at the urinals with a portion of dignity in tact. Just in case, I told him my name was Terry Wogan.
On reflection, Cumbria was a long way to go for such a short time, particularly when the return journey had to be accomplished ahead of a day's work. But the stops were pulled out by the boys and girls at BBC Radio Cumbria, who must be applauded for a fine night.
Next year, there's talk of a party at the Royal Albert Hall to celebrate 40 years of Frank Gillard's vision. No awards as such, just one giant toast to a giant radio influence. We'll be proud to be there.
* Bronze and Silver awards remain of the utmost importance, in a ratio of 2:1, by the way.
From the BBC's Frank Gillard Awards for local radio, being held in Cumbria...
I'm just enjoying dinner with a bizarre mix of voices I know and faces I don't.
Although the chef was perhaps a little too selective with his 'selection of vegetables' (their presence on my plate represented roughly 0.5 of my recommended 5 daily portions), the meal was very tasty indeed.
As is that giant illuminated BBC sign, which is just begging to be stolen. I want it for my wall - it's taller than I am...
You know how, in every group of friends, there's a far flung member who never gets a visit. It's usually up to them to invest hours in trudging towards central territory, to visit mates who've barely had to walk to the end of their street.
That friend is like BBC Radio Cumbria, who in a complete reversal of fortune, will tonight be hosting the 7th Annual Frank Gillard Awards. For once, they'll be paid a visit by over 300 voices from 37 other BBC local radio stations up and down the kingdom, all of whom have made an effort to discover what long distance relationships are all about.
I'll be among them, representing BBC Ollie & David FM, which has been nominated for three awards (including local radio station of the year, no less). Oh yes; this will be a competitive night.
I'm really looking forward to the chance to meet people who are normally a bit too far for coffee. I occasionally record voiceovers for Radio Cumbria (why not, with these broad Northern tones of mine?), but I've never properly spoken to the folk there. I've no idea what they look like, nor them me. I'm sure they'll be hugely disappointed.
Of course, the great thing about a long journey is that you always arrive on time. Those who live far away have longer to make up lost time, whereas those who live nearby are stuffed. Expect blushes from the BBC Lancashire team...
Full updates and photos to follow this evening, courtesy of Mr Williams and 3G.
That's that, then. The 2006 World Cup ends in a penalty shoot-out won by Italy (hurrah!), overshadowed by the absolutely inexplicable conduct of Zinedine Zidane.
Just what was it Italian defender Materazzi said to him that led to Zidane headbutting his opponent in the chest? What, after two decades or more of football, innumerable international caps and a career covered in all kinds of glory, could lead one of the most respected internationals on the planet to lose all composure just minutes from a World Cup Final penalty shoot-out? That is the great unanswered question of this World Cup, although I'm sure we'll be hearing plenty more about it, hopefully from Zidane himself.
Of course, there I was earlier saying the Argentinian ref wasn't having the quietest of nights. He'd had to award a penalty and had seen Zidane's spot kick bounce tantalisingly close to the goal-line, enough to give a heart flutter to any official. Then, just when he can see the light at the end of the tunnel, Zidane goes and does that! He gets called over to the touchline by the fourth official, who wants a word:
"Alright, boss. Erm, that Zinedine kid's just gone and headbutted an Italian."
"You what?"
I think he handled the entire game admirably and did not deserve any of the abysmal treatment he received from French fans at the end of the game. It's nice to have seen one of football's showpiece occasions pass with a refereeing performance to match.
Back in the alternate universe where England beat Portugal, all this means England have finally won a penalty shoot-out, Theo Walcott tucking away the penalty which made the difference and sent millions of fans up and down both Germany and England wild. This also means Zinedine Zidane headbutted Gary Neville, a win-win situation for any England supporter.
The DayoRimet goals per game per TV channel widget has now run its course. I'm delighted to report a victory for the BBC, who recorded 2.29 goals per game as opposed to ITV's 2.10. So for every game you watched on the BBC, you saw almost a fifth of a goal's more action!
All good things must come to an end, and that's the end of DayoRimet 2006. Thanks for reading, normal Dayorama service will be resumed from tomorrow. If you're searching for meaning to your life in the wake of this announcement, don't forget to sponsor me for Sport Relief! Many thanks to those of you who have done so far.
So here we go, France v Italy. The World Cup Final. It's definitely Zinedine Zidane's last game and there's a good chance it'll be a fairytale ending for him - personally, I'd rather Italy won, having had a bit of an affinity for them ever since Italia '90. That was the first World Cup I can remember, plus my mum's always had a soft spot for the Italian side, so it's in the family to an extent.
Zidane's off - is John Motson? He's commentating on the final for the BBC and I can't help but wonder if this is his last World Cup, if not his last football match. Perhaps that latter thought is going a little far but then plenty of people are starting to gang up on Motty, whose style of commentary has descended from unparalleled to unconvincing. Who was it, recently, who referred to Mark Lawrenson as 'not so much Motson's colleague as his guide dog'?
This would be a good time for Motson to hang up his microphone. In another four years' time heaven only knows what a game with John Motson in the gantry will sound like; in another four years almost all households will have digital TV too, with the option of pressing the red button and getting Five Live's commentary instead.
Plus stepping down would hardly be the end of Motty's career. Football console games like FIFA 06 and Pro Evolution Soccer are crying out for top names to provide voice-overs and you can't get a better known figure than Motson. Moreover with pre-recorded artificial-intelligence Motson commentary you can edit it together over many sessions, eliminating dodgy Motty moments. You will not end up stunned while playing PES as Motson declares your team to be 3-1 up and playing from left to right in blue, when in actuality you are trailing 4-0 playing from right to left in yellow. (Computer commentary is liable to hilarious AI-generated cockups, of course, and every game I've played has had one or too. With Motson's voice these would just be dismissed by consumers as par for the course rather than a bug in the game.)
Back to the action and France have just put away one of the more unusual penalties to take an early lead - Zidane well on his way to that fairytale ending having taken it. He chipped the ball towards the roof of the net, it struck the underside of the bar and only just snuck over the line before bouncing back out, once more hitting the underside of the bar on the way up. The poor referee, already running the gauntlet of controversy by giving a penalty, must have had his heart in his mouth as that one came back down off the bar. Much closer to the line and we'd have been in German-linesman territory.
More after the final whistle. Remember that in DayoRimet's alternate universe, where England beat Portugal, this is England versus France in the final and England are now 1-0 down to the old enemy, horror of all horrors. But, on the plus side, Sven's gone for Crouch and Walcott up front and they're looking relatively dangerous...
Back in the real world where England did do the usual bottle-it-on-penalties routine, the press conference continues. David Beckham is on stage and he is practically crying as he reads out a prepared statement giving up the England captain's armband. The way he's reading this you'd think he was retiring having lost a limb during yesterday's match. Bad news for Shaun Wright-Phillips - Beckham's not actually retiring.
He got a round of applause from the press too, which is a damn sight more than they bothered giving Sven just now. I appreciate not everybody agrees with Sven's tactics but I'd like to think that had I been there, I'd have applauded the man. It's not as though he didn't want to win the World Cup. Whatever you think about his modus operandi, he gave it his best shot, and I'd applaud that in anybody.
So, Steve McClaren then, the Grand Master of Dull. I'd have had Sam Allardyce in. I'd have had Scolari in (but then so would the FA). I'd have had Cristiano Ronaldo in, frankly, ahead of Steve, but that's not an opinion I can back up with over-much quantifiable evidence. It just doesn't feel right after five or six years to just hoof Sven out the door and let the bloke who's sat next to him for years get on with the job. Surely if Steve McClaren can do the job perfectly well in the FA's opinion, why on earth have we been paying Sven all this time?
This is no change in approach, no change in agenda, no change in personnel. It's a non-decision. And now we'll go and win Euro 2008.
In the alternate universe where England beat Portugal...
Sven hosted his usual morning press conference today in buoyant mood, telling the press "the manager is always responsible, for the good times and the bad, and right now I am pretty happy". He expressed particular pleasure at the way his decision to bring Jamie Carragher on for the penalties paid off, Carragher scoring the all-important goal that took England through.
The one media concern is that Wayne Rooney was under too much pressure playing alone up front until his sending-off. Eriksson is unperturbed but hints that with Rooney absent for the next game, Peter Crouch is likely to get a strike partner up front. Theo Walcott perhaps?
"We have a very good chance, the opportunity is there, we must take it," says Sven of the France game. "England will have opportunities in the future with good players coming through, we'll be even better in two years time, so the future is very good. But this is my year to succeed." And those words are left to resonate around the media centre.
Many thanks to DayoRimet reader Jack, who emailed in to berate me over the DayoRimet goals per game per TV channel widget you'll find on the right of the home page. In an email entitled "Hey guys, you can't count", he wrote:
The DayoRimet isn't right. ITV so far have had 27 games to the BBC's 25. Don't know whether you've got the number of goals right - I'm not sad enough to count all of them!
You may not be, Jack, but I most certainly am. He is of course right, and in retrospect it's obvious - the number of games shown on terrestrial telly has, at this point, to add up to an even number (52). It now does. I've gone back through all the games and recalculated so we should now be back on track - I simply forgot to increase ITV's number of games at some point.
In a follow-up email Jack asks if the third/fourth place match will count. I think previously I suggested it wouldn't, but he makes the valid point that it's being screened on BBC1. It's an official World Cup game being shown on terrestrial television so technically it's got to count, and I'll be including it.
It's still very, very easy for ITV to win even though they're currently trailing. Only takes a 4-3 thriller to completely swing the balance...
Yep, England beat Portugal. I don't care what you say. From now on, DayoRimet will report on the alternate universe in which Jamie Carragher's penalty nearly burst the net, Ricardo was unlucky as Frank Lampard's squeaked through his fingertips into the onion bag, and Steven Gerrard shattered the keeper's left-hand post but watched gleefully as the ball span across the line. Victory to England, unlucky Ronaldo. Over the next week I'll be letting you know how the alternate universe England get on.
I will of course be keeping tabs on the World Cup in this universe too, and the DayoRimet goals per game per TV channel widget on the right of the home page will continue to count goals from our universe alone. In the alternate universe Ian Wright is in an asylum and Sky have got all the rights anyway so it's a moot point.
England will be facing France next after they somehow managed to beat Brazil, a result truly worthy of any alternate universe given the way the French had been playing til the knockout stages. In the land of DayoRimet I can telll you the tabloids are already gearing up for the big battle - it's not just like 1966, it's just like 1066. Only we've got Harold and William in our royal family this time.
The post-match reaction has been oddly muted though. Rooney obviously can't play against France after the sending-off and though the BBC pundits were more worried after the game that we'd end up facing Brazil, there's a massive question mark over whether our defence can cope with Thierry Henry - particularly the way John Terry seemed to be struggling in the latter stages of today's game.
On the positive side it was nice to watch a succession of England players go over to commiserate with a crestfallen Cristiano Ronaldo as he sat bathed in his own tears at the end of the match. That's particularly true of Wayne Rooney, who offered Ronaldo a hand back up to his feet, only for the hand to somehow slip from his grasp, leaving the unfortunate Ronaldo slumped on the floor. Cameras caught Rooney giving an unmistakable wink to his team-mates immediately afterwards.
More over the coming days on the alternative England semi-final build-up. Back on this planet, pick yourselves back up off the floor and quickly adopt Andy Murray as British rather than Scottish (whatever he might have said about wanting Portugal to win).
Ooh, that Ricardo. He doesn't half get on our collective English nerves.
So that's that until Steve McClaren gets a shot at a trophy in a couple of years' time. We tried pretty damn hard, you know. Wayne Rooney got sent off, we regrouped and we gave possibly the greatest account we could of ourselves with ten men. I'm not ashamed of that performance by any means.
Midway through the second half I compared our football team to Tim Henman. The earnest, good-natured, well-meaning, determined intent is there. Tim and England try their absolute hearts out, but when push comes to shove the raw talent and genuine ability to win isn't forthcoming. We love them because we know they're giving it everything they've got, but somewhere, deep down, we know it's not really going to happen. We live in hope that one day, some day, it might. It just might.
Ian Wright on BBC1 during the buildup to this afternoon's game: "I'll crap myself over what Sven does at half time".
Let's just give that a little context. Can you imagine Lineker, Hansen, Lawrenson, Alan Green, Des Lynam, Jimmy Hill, Richard Keys, Andy Gray, Martin Tyler or indeed any other football television personality using the word "crap" on air at 3:15pm?
Of course Ian's hit the nail on the head regardless - "crap" is the single word being silently mouthed by millions of England fans right now. We know we ought to beat Portugal, especially if we're anything like as good as we like to think we are. We know we're not going to do it in style, and if we do do it, it's going to be ridiculously, unbearably nailbiting. And we know that, more likely as not, we'll throw it away entirely or bottle it on penalties.
So let's all sit down and enjoy the sort of Saturday afternoon every Manchester City fan knows only too well: hoping against hope that this time round, the pillocks will pull one out of the bag.
Germany. They just can't miss penalties, can they? I missed most of their quarter-final clash against Argentina today but I caught the penalty shoot-out and the German spot kicks were nothing short of clinical. Not a prayer for the substitute Argentinian goalkeeper, whereas the South Americans rolled a couple of England-esque howlers into the open arms of Jens Lehmann.
And from there the game quickly swapped open arms for clenched fists. Someone stuck a foot out, someone fell over, someone else waded in with a right hook and it all kicked off. Expect to hear more from FIFA about that one, even though an Argentinian sub was sent off for his involvement.
The big one tomorrow, England v Portugal. Were I gambling, my money would still be on Portugal I'm afraid. At least it'll save us losing to the Germans on penalties.
On a related note, check out the updated DayoRimet goasl per game per TV channel counter on the right of the home page. There's now just 0.06 goals per game between the BBC and ITV coverage! It's getting very close indeed but Auntie just has her head above water for now (despite the setback that was Switzerland v Ukraine).
Speaking of the BBC, I'm off to play American Football in Reading on Sunday for an article on the Berkshire website. Everything I know about American Football I learnt playing the John Madden video games produced by EA Sports, so there may be a steep learning curve. Who knows, maybe I'll adopt it full time and join the club?
It's refreshing to know that no matter how bad my football predictions have been recently, I am at least on level terms with Amy "is this an opening for Henman?" Kennedy. Tim was polished off with almost machine-like efficiency by Federer, who expressed his surprise at the easy win afterwards:
"I think I just played a really good match. It's so difficult to play against the crowd and to play against a player like Tim. I'm very, very happy and it's something I didn't expect."
Which is thinly veiled code for "God, he's even worse than they said he would be".
Never fear though - Berkshire's very own Jamie Delgado is still in the competition, for another 15 hours or so at least. He's facing French no. 15 seed Sebastien Grosjean in the second round, so it's only a matter of time til the curtains close on his Wimbledon too, but at least he can now say he's outlasted Tim Henman at the All England Tennis Club.
Until such time as he bites the grassy dust I'll be keeping a sporadically updated Delgado Watch page running on the BBC Berkshire website.
Sport Relief's coming up next month - any ideas? Any wacky crusade you want to send me on in the name of charity for the BBC? I will entertain any idea sent to ollie dot williams at gmail dot com. At the moment I'm likely to be playing for a Radio Berkshire XI in a charity football match versus Calcot Hawks, but I sense the opportunity to do something a bit more daft should the opportunity arise.
Off to the Henley Regatta tomorrow to take photos of "fit men in tight pants", to quote a colleague. I'd just like to make it clear that no matter what ends up on the Berkshire website, I shall remain sure of my heterosexuality this time round. Rowers were never my type anyway.
Alright, so Spain 1-3 France is not my predicted Spain 2-1 France, but that's is not the bloody POINT. Nice goal from ol' Zinedine, mind, dinking inside and coolly rolling the ball past the keeper. You'd never guess he was 57 this year.
This sets up a Brazil v France encounter next week. Those Brazilians had better shape up a bit - they've been doing an England so far, ticking all the boxes but convincing absolutely nobody that they will live up to their World Cup billing. If they get turned over by France it will bode incredibly badly. On the plus side, as with this game just gone, whichever side loses that game is one less side that can turn over England if we somehow beat Portugal.
I've been flicking between ITV and Channel 4 to try to catch as much of Big Brother as I can, having missed a week and a bit owing to World Cup action. What an impressive hatchet job they're doing on Richard this week. Granted a few people seem not to like him for being variously artificial and two-faced, as per every other Big Brother contestant in the history of the competition (as per every human being, I might venture, to a degree). Even so, I'm convinced Big Brother are trying to get this message across using every means at their disposal.
It's the little trailers at the end of each 15 minute segment which raise my suspicions. There's a quick 5-second burst of action from the next segment, under the banner "Coming Up", designed to keep you turned on, tuned in and dropped out. Twice in this instalment the "Coming Up" piece has been Richard saying something incredibly arsey. First it was him in the diary room nominating people: "Ooh, ooh, you'll like this one, hold onto your seats because you won't be expecting this one." Eejit. And second, him talking about Imogen: "Shall we watch some paint dry, or go and have a conversation with Imogen? Hmmm...". Plonker. Can't disagree with him, but plonker all the same.
Now is that Richard being so arsey so consistently that Big Brother simply can't find anything else he's done, or is that Big Brother editing the arsiness factor up a bit to compensate for the constant stupidity or tedium pumped out by the rest of them?
You know what? I'm going to make a prediction, cos I'm good at them. Must stop using italics like that, by the way, it's turning me into the blogging equivalent of Nikki, all this over-emphasis. Anyway, the prediction is that Aisleyne will get shunted into the new 'secret' Big Brother house on Friday, and Richard will depart the week after. Then he'll beat France 2-1 with a goal in the 78th minute. Promise.
Alright so it wasn't the Spanish scoring in the 78th minute, it was the French in the 83rd, but that's not the point. It hit a Spanish player last on the way in and I was less than five minutes off the time, so as far as I'm concerned I am nothing less than a World Cup psychic.
Speaking of which, the radio station keeps getting emails from a bloke called Dean who claims to be England's "lucky thirteenth man", a medium whose otherworldly intervention will guide England to World Cup glory. There's plenty of evidence cited for this ability, much of it fairly flimsy although I'll admit I don't have the email and would hate to pass comment without being able to give specific examples. I do, however, note that the press releases we get have become increasingly desperate in nature over the past week or two. The moment England get knocked out, I'll be on the phone to him.
Half time and the pesky French have ruined my pre-match prediction by grabbing a goal - it's Spain 1-1 France. Definite penalty for the Spanish which was tucked right into the corner of the net, French goal should probably have been hooked off the line by one of two defenders, plonkers.
Second half prediction so as to keep things interesting or, far more likely, rain down upon myself further humiiliation: Spain 2-1 France. Spanish goal from Torres in the 78th minute. Believe it.
Back on planet Earth and in the ITV studio, I do love these skin-coloured microphones the ITV presenter and pundits have been forced to wear. God knows why they don't just get little lapel mics like the rest of the world - no, no, they have to try to look trendy. Alas the people deciding which colour most accurately represents "skin" had failed to take Terry Venables' glorious perma-tan into account, so the mic glows an almost radioactive white against his, well, equally glowing bronzed pores. There's a lovely thought for the second half.
It's Spain v France for the last remaining place in the quarter-finals, and this ought to be a game to relish. There's the footballing side of things which should be pretty good but, more to the point, one of these two giants is going home by the end of tonight, and that can only be a good thing from an English perspective. I reckon Spain will win 2-0.
Ukraine finally squeezed into the quarter-finals last night on penalties, Switzerland valiantly but somewhat bizarrely refusing point blank to score, be it from the spot or in normal time. It's a very good contender for Most Boring Match of World Cup 2006, of 2006, and indeed of the twenty-first century to date. (There were a few in Division Two in the 1990s which trump it.)
The best entertainment that can be drawn from such a deadly boring game is watching BBC editors bitching about it on their new blog, aptly titled "The Editors". You'd think the bods in charge of Match Of The Day would feel most aggrieved at the pitiful World Cup offering the Beeb had been forced to serve. Think again. Here's the contribution today of Craig Oliver, editor of the Ten O'Clock News:
Sometimes defeat is snatched from the jaws of victory.
Home Editor Mark Easton got a great, unexpected scoop - an interview with Charles Clarke, sacked as Home Secretary last month.
Even better it was embargoed until 10pm. That meant the Ten O'Clock News would be the first programme to run with it - ahead of a longer version on Newsnight.
You may think that's of little consequence, but we editors care deeply about such things.
What we hadn't factored in was that last night's Ten would follow what was arguably the worst football match of all time: a no-score-bore that went to extra time and then penalties. That meant we ended up on air at 10:40pm - well after Newsnight had started.
I wouldn't have minded - but even the penalties were boring. Switzerland didn't even score one.
Which is quite funny, really. As the game headed into extra time, fans in Switzerland and Ukraine chewed their nails off with nervous tension, fans in the rest of the world chewed their limbs off in order to escape having to watch it, and BBC editors chewed their armchairs in absolute despair.
Best of all though is the comments section (this being a blog, there are comments! I keep promising to sort our comments out. I'm working on it). Peter Barron, Newsnight editor, has come up with this riposte:
Yes, but consider our position. I had to watch 120 minutes of the worst football match of all time and then switch over before the moderately exciting bit to watch Newsnight. Sadly, hardly anyone else did, so though we got the scoop we missed all your Ten viewers who'd normally join us for more.
I must be due a BBC weblog. In the Dayorama 'New Entry' control panel there's a place to put a small amount of descriptive text for the Dayorama search engine to use. Throughout my DayoRimet entries I've been writing "World Cup blogging from Dayorama" in it. This time round I accidentally wrote "World Cup blogging from the BBC" before noticing...
It's half time in extra time between Switzerland and Ukraine, and neither side has shown any inclination to nip up the pitch and poke the ball past the opposing goalkeeper. I know I picked out this game quite early on as a likely bore draw, but seriously, I didn't demand this level of tedium.
The one advantage of this is we're likely to see our first penalty shoot-out of the competition, so at least there's the prospect of some excitement after this rather long wait. Equally it means England won't be the first to suffer when they inevitably get chucked out of the competition on penalties at a later date.
Now, it's been a while since I trawled YouTube for interesting World Cup video clips, but needs must and with these two teams on screen, needs really must. And if you thought the referee who doled out three red cards and 97 yellow cards yesterday was bad...
Sticking with referees, here's how to dish out a red card with absolutely no remorse:
And finally back to 2002, for Rivaldo's hilarious play-acting. Remember? Turkish player flicks ball to Rivaldo for Brazil corner. Ball hits Rivaldo's thigh. Rivaldo collapses holding face, Turkish player sent off:
The title of this post comes from Mick McCarthy, who's just expressed the opinion on BBC1 that he'd rather both teams lost, they've been that bad. Sadly the real loser is the BBC in the DayoRimet goals per game per channel stakes, with ITV having a few cracking games on the way with which to catch up...
What a match Italy v Australia was - a tense 0-0 thriller until the very last minute, no, seconds, at which point the Italians dispatched a penalty to crush Aussie dreams. I only saw the highlights earlier this evening but even then my heart was in my mouth watching that spot kick. That's exactly why World Cups exist.
Forget glorious goals from 30 yards out; forget legions of fans bouncing up and down in German market squares; forget watching every goal from every angle a million times over on TV. It's about those beautiful, everlasting moments in these football matches where time stands still for hundreds of thousands of people all over the globe. There are ten seconds remaining in a game of football. One man is going to kick a ball at a net, and another man is going to try to stop the ball going into the net. One of these men will, almost instantaneously, become a hero to an entire nation of people; the other will sit tremendously, horribly alone on the floor for an eternity. And the globe holds its breath. In that silence, in that stadium, in that split second before the whistle blows for the kick to be taken, there exists magic.
In another stadium in Germany, a bit later on in the day, with two different sets of fans, there exists no magic. Instead, there exists Switzerland and Ukraine, each just rubbish enough to cancel out the other. The pre-match continuity announcer on BBC1 gave an absurdly enthusiastic build-up to this one: "And now on BBC1 it's Switzerland... versus Ukraine... LIVE!" Well, it's still on BBC1 and it's still what passes for technically "live", but it's the other sort of 0-0 - a dreary, hard-fought, talentless, unimaginative affair, a bit like John Major and Edwina Currie. (Did you see that Spitting Image tribute last night? Great stuff. Bring it back.) I need to consult my wallchart and work out if England stand any chance whatsoever of meeting either of these two teams because I swear if there's any team we could beat, it's one of these two. Sadly, I stand by my prediction that Portugal will sweep us aside next week.
Still, in other news Wimbledon has started, a far better prospect for fans of English triumph since there's none of this false hope as we know the English are going to lose heavily, it's just a matter of time and rain. We had former British Davis Cup player Mark Cox on the radio earlier, running through the trio of Berkshire-based players in the men's singles. Alex Bogdanovic, from Basingstoke, is playing Rafael Nadal, from an entirely different cosmos of tennis ability. Nadal is the number two seed. Mark Cox described this as "an opportunity" for Bogdanovic. He did not clarify as to what, precisely, this was an opportunity to do. It is certainly an opportunity to enter the record books for swiftest and heaviest defeat. Is there a Mount Murray yet to go with Henman Hill? Or is the Hill very much a one-off? I don't recall a Rusedski Rump, or at least certainly not one with a few hundred people perched anxiously on it...
Back to the football and at half time between Switzerland and Ukraine, the pundits in the BBC studio discard what few highlights exist in favour of footage of Swedish girls kissing during a match. This is a decision applauded by football fans up and down the country. Former footballer and pundit Leonardo, sat in the BBC studio, suggests the girls "now only need a Brazilian". Genius.
Well they tried, those Dutch, they really tried, throwing everything at the Portuguese in the dying moments of this game, but to no avail. But at least the referee didn't let us down, finding it within himself to award a second yellow to Van Bronckhorst, thereby racking up a World Cup record four dismissals in one game (and equalling the record for yellow cards). Graham Poll eat your heart out.
One of the ITV pundits before the game said England would prefer to face Portugal next week. That's nonsense, I'm bloody positive I'd rather have played Holland, who have looked like the sort of team England can beat: good, honest, hard-working play with steely determination and plenty of stamina. We can handle that, it's fairly similar to the way we play. The Portuguese, on the other hand, have got a bit of verve, a jazzy, fluid interpretation of what it means to play the beautiful game, a footballing syncopation, va va voom, call it what you will. You might want to call it 'cheating' and I'd probably agree, but they don't do anything quite by the book, and I reckon that'll completely fox England next week. I'm writing us off already. Don't say I didn't warn you.
The Portugal v Holland last sixteen match is rapidly descending into farce. The record for the number of cards shown in a World Cup finals match is 16, and we've now had at least 15 in this match if not more.
I'll have to check the statistics at the end of the game to be sure, although at this rate it'll probably be abandoned when one team drops below 7 players. It's currently 10 Dutch v 9 Portuguese, and frankly if I were refereeing I'd have sent Figo off earlier too for a headbutt-of-sorts the ref missed. The official is bound to come in for criticism after this one but the players on both sides really, really haven't helped much by being genuinely foul, artificial, conniving, cheating idiots. The game began as a great advert for football but quickly became an indictment of the spirit in which football matches can sometimes take place.
ITV also reckon there've been 15 yellow cards so far (red cards being two yellow, there's not been a straight red as far as I'm aware), so we're one off the record with a good ten minutes remaining, assuming we don't get a Dutch equaliser and head into extra time. Bags of time to smash the record.
Most England fans feel queasy going into every single game, so it's good to see David Beckham now knows how we feel - after scoring what turned out to be the winning goal versus Ecuador, Golden Balls nipped over to the touchline and treated the world to Orange Chunks (also applicable to Wayne Rooney with his dodgy tan).
Anyway, we're through. We can now spend the next few days feigning interest in the likes of Switzerland v Ukraine until we get to the business end of the quarter finals. Ticket touts throughout Germany have just risen as one in celebration, safe in the knowledge that a hundred thousand plonkers will remain camped out in a once-quiet corner of Germany for the next epic England encounter. All hundred thousand will be tipping the piggy-bank upside down and signing up to every CapitalOne mailshot they've ever had in the hope of raising sufficient funds for a seat in the stadium. As the advertising slogan goes, so goes the demand of every tout for the next seven days: "What's in your wallet?"
GOAL! David Beckham finally breaks the deadlock with a swirling free kick which sneaks in between the Ecuadorian goalkeeper's outstretched right hand and the goalpost. It's no exaggeration to say England have been at best worryingly mediocre, at worst gobsmackingly bereft of ideas in this match, but we're 1-0 up and that's what matters.
David Beckham is now the only Englishman to have scored in three different World Cups. I've always said how much I rate him. Best footballer ever, won't hear a bad word said.
Meanwhile Sven is doing his level best to resemble Mike Bassett (of the film Mike Bassett: England Manager, played by Ricky Tomlinson), thumping the side of the dugout in exasperation and pointing to a piece of paper held by Steve McClaren in a way that just screamed: "Hmm... I do not know, Steve... I'll try an A." "No boss, no As in it. You've got a head, a body and the hanging apparatus, three guesses left."
There've been ten games in the World Cup since I last updated the DayoRimet goals per game per TV channel widget on the right (I've been a bit lazy about it, I know). All ten games have been shown on the BBC, although four of them weren't on mainstream not-got-a-red-button terrestrial, so the widget discounts those four. But even in the space of the remaining six games the Beeb have shown remarkable goalscoring consistency - their average has dropped just 0.01 of a goal to 2.52.
That's over a quarter of a goal per game ahead of ITV, way back on 2.24 goals per game at the time of writing. Each channel has now carried 21 games on mainstream terrestrial television, with Auntie smacking 53 goals past various World Cup keepers compared to the third channel's 47.
ITV have only got Portugal v Holland, Italy v Australia, Brazil v Ghana and Spain v France, two quarter-finals and one semi-final to pull back that six-goal deficit. The BBC have got two quarter-finals, one semi-final, England v Ecuador and Switzerland v Ukraine at their disposal.
If England beat Ecuador then ITV will show two semi-finals, since they'll keep their "other" semi-final and will share coverage of the England one with the BBC. But that means both channels will get the same number of goals added to their World Cup tally so it's no use to ITV really. Both channels get the final too, so if ITV are still lagging behijnd after the last semi, they've no comeback (unless they've got the 3rd v 4th game I suppose, but I might disqualify that from the count on the grounds nobody cares).
Looking back at those 'last sixteen' matches, ITV should make good ground on the BBC. The Beeb have got England v Ecuador, in which England are guaranteed to make a meal out of a low-scoring affair and then either lose it or scrape through, and Switzerland v Ukraine, which somehow doesn't ring true as a goalfest. ITV, by contrast, have got Brazil v Ghana, in which the South Americans can be expected to try to burst the net, and Italy v Australia, a cracker of a game in the making. The French are notoriously rubbish at scoring but the Spanish might bring their A game to that one, and Portugal v Holland ought to have some nice attacking football. It's not all over yet.
Oh dear me. The English football team haven't covered themselves in glory yet but they've got some way to go before they match the achievement of referee Graham Poll, who entirely lost the plot towards the back end of tonight's game between Croatia and Australia.
The Croatians missed out thanks to an Australian equaliser (final score: 2-2) so it's the Aussies going into the knockout stages alongside Brazil. It's the first time the Australian side have managed that, and it's also the first time a player has been booked three times in a game before being sent off. The Croatian Simunic had been booked earlier in the game before being given a second yellow towards the end of normal time by Poll - but no red card, so Simunic didn't bother walking.
A few minutes later Simunic committed another offence and Poll booked him again! This time, out came the red.Better late than never, Graham.
Harry Kewell's goal - the one that took Australia through - was probably offside too. A bit of an officiating shambles, this one, but what a gripping game.
Well, I'll confess the supposed ultimate football match between Holland and Argentina became so boring I drifted off to sleep for most of the second half. I gather I didn't miss much. Occasionally the world's greatest competition can flatter to deceive (just ask Michael Owen, I suppose).
There's a lovely piece on the Mexican national side on the twohundredpercent blog:
I'm thoroughly enjoying Mexico's stay at the World Cup, because, in an era when everything else often appears to be becoming more and more homogenized, Mexico are inscrutably, indefatigably, defiantly mad. Well, they're inscrutably, indefatigably, defiantly Mexican. But it's the same difference. This is, after all, the country that gave the world tequila, chili, peyote and the sombrero. Why should we expect anything less?
Since it's confession time, I'll also admit my finger is slipping from the World Cup pulse day by day thanks to Royal Ascot. I'm writing daily online updates on the racing here so I end up watching horses all day instead of the football. Happily Ascot wraps itself up just in time for England to play Ecuador on Sunday so normal service will be resumed over the weekend.
Finally, off the sporting track entirely and did you notice MyCokeMusic is closing? As a subscriber with some credits left I got an email off them letting me know a couple of days ago. How embarrassing for Coke, thoroughly thrashed by iTunes despite the global marketing campaign. Not that I expect it's made too much a dent in their business. In fact I should imagine the only people left short-changed by the whole affair are the end users as per the norm.
Still, it's not stopping me enjoying music as I long since defected to the once-despised iTunes. Many purchases tonight in a fit of excess: Keane "Under The Iron Sea", Nelly Furtado "Maneater" (oh how I love her), Captain "Broke" (keep getting sent their press releases so I thought I might as well, and it's quite good), The Automic "Monster" (saw them at T4 On The Beach and liked it), Nerina Pallot "Everyone's Going To War" (heard it on the radio so often I've started enjoying it, which is the exact opposite of the usual effect overexposure has on me) and finally Hope Of The States "Left". That's an entire new album and my god I'm so pleased. I played their first album, "The Lost Riots", to death two years ago. That was when I was in Portugal for the European Championships. Hope Of The States are obviously a band who like to release their records as soundtracks to major footballing competitions.
Sweden have equalised. My World Cup predicting ability - see below - remains in tatters. It's 2-2 and within minutes England are right back in the mire of media cynicism and speculation. It's not been an overly convincing performance anyway, without letting in a soft goal from a throw-in.
And there's still some injury time left. Those Germans are lurking in the shadows at this rate...
A Steven Gerrard header! There's an unlikely one. Normally when he scores it's from 40 yards out and becomes a guaranteed goal-of-the-season/tournament/decade/millennium contender. This one was solid if unspectacular, but it'll certainly do.
So, 2-1 to England! Five minutes remaining. Before the game - and Amy can attest to this - I predicted a 2-1 England win. It's looking like for once in my life I'll have been bang on the money with a prediction. Shame I'm not a gambling man (and neither's Sven - Gerrard on instead of Walcott much to my disappointment, but look how that's paid off).
I have always said Joe Cole is rubbish. I saw him play for West Ham against Manchester City a good few years ago and he had an abysmal game - I couldn't understand why so many people rated him. And I never saw an improvement at Chelsea either. I've been talking rubbish, the man's a living legend, I'm converted. I'll even stick an England flag on my car for him.
Why no Theo Walcott when Owen went off injured in the first minute? Crouch is on a yellow card so we're risking his participation in the first knockout game by sending him on as a replacement. This would have been the perfect game to send young Theo on and give him some experience, or even a goal if he got lucky. It seems a shame he's missed out - maybe he'll get a chance later on though, with the second half just underway.
As for Amy, sod Top Of The Pops. Popworld is where all the cool kids are at these days in terms of clunky old terrestrial music shows. The BBC are now going to be able to drop the ailing behemoth and focus on nimble, fleet-of-foot broadcasts - from big events like Reading festival to smaller affairs demanding ease of mobility like guerrilla gigs.
So, you thought people with England flags on their cars were beyond help. And you were right. But spare extra thought for individuals so consumed with inflagtuation that they end up in this state:
No, you know what? Forget that. Tonight is Hopeless England Flag Amnesty Night (HEFAN for short) and England will be hoping for a heavenly victory, or even a point, against Sweden. We've not beaten the Swedes since the dawn of time so it could be a tall order - Peter Crouch pun here - but it's got to be worth trying. If we win or draw we get Ecuador in the next round; lose and it's Germany. Losing is not an option.
Over the weekend I forgot to mention a lovely bit of radio I heard last Saturday. The BBC Big Screen had turned up at RAF Fairford, the US airbase tucked inside British soil, ahead of the Italy v USA game. But Portugal v Iran was the first game of the day to be shown on the screen, and the Big Screen team have a policy of hoisting the flags of the two competing nations on either side of the jumbotron during the match. Thus Radio Five Live asked the US commander at the base for his thoughts on the inevitable raising of an Iranian flag on US military soil! A concept he actually handled incredibly well.
A spot of admin: the DayoRimet goals-per-game-per-TV-channel count has now been updated after a few days' neglect. Where a channel has more than one game being broadcast simultaneously (e.g. ITV have tonight got England v Sweden on ITV1 and Paraguay v Trinidad & Tobago on ITV4), only the game carried on terrestrial television will count towards the goal totals.
I'll be back after the game to preview the next step in what must, surely, be England's year. Arf arf.
Back to the DayoRimet action then, after a short interlude during which I popped up on a beach in Somerset listening to what youngsters today might refer to as, er, bangin' choons. T4 on the Beach was an extremely good day out and it comes recommended by me to anyone, especially if you've got a family to entertain.
So we've missed a few matches during my absence but if we're honest, no one really cared about them anyway, bar the game involving France since a good number of English fans wouldn't mind seeing them leave the competition. Not that this should be much of a shock given the mighty struggle the French endure simply to score a single goal in the World Cup, let alone qualify for the knockout stage or win it. Spain look like more of a threat, as do Italy, and that's without even leaving western Europe. One look at South America and the English have tail firmly between legs.
Let's hope we buck our ideas up against Sweden tomorrow. On paper they're the first side we're facing who could do real damage, particularly given our abysmal track record against them, so we want no larking around, an early goal and a clean sheet for Robinson.
The BBC put together a beautiful montage of World Cup highlights so far to mark the halfway stage in the competition. If it surfaces on YouTube - unlikely but not impossible - I'll link to it, it's well worth viewing. Almost enough to bring a tear to the eye. Especially if you're the poor BBC employee sat there piecing it together for two days only to see it frittered away like a Montgomerie lead in a major at the end of Spain v Tunisia.
On YouTube tonight we have two hilarious ladies from oop north who are so famous, they're in the Rochdale Observer. Earlier they posted an anti-World Cup song on the internet which had something to do with sealions. Forget that, I'm not going to show you that. This is their second video, where they bask in the glory the first one brought them:
And from Germany itself we have your worst nightmare. An endless conveyor belt of Dutch football fans. Seriously, hell hath no fury like a never-ending orange mass of Holland hopefuls and hooters:
More tomorrow night during the England game of course.
All the talk this morning's about that twenty-four pass Argentina goal (see earlier post) and the Angolan goalkeeper Ricardo.
Ricardo doesn't have a club at the moment, you see. And it's been that way for over a year. He now trains at a small Portuguese club named Portimonense, roughly their equivalent of someone like Lincoln City, without actually having been offered a contract by Portimonense or anyone else.
That didn't stop him throwing himself around like a goalkeeper possessed last night against Mexico, and he got a clean sheet for his troubles (the nil-nil draw was Angola's first ever World Cup point too). Watch the video below for highlights from the game and watch out for Ricardo in his yellow jersey, particularly at the very end.
Just to brighten your morning up when you read this, it's one of Argentina's six goals versus Serbia from yesterday. There are no fewer than twenty-four Argentinian passes leading up to a goal already being hailed as the best of the tournament. Enjoy!
The final advert in their Joga Bonito campaign - which includes the commercial showing Ronaldinho as a kid and as he is now, being bloody amazing on football pitches great and small - was set to feature Eric Cantona praising Ronaldo. Yes, the chubby embarrassment put out to pasture in the final third of the pitch by Brazil a few nights ago. Once upon a time he was a good player, you see. Here's his Nike ad:
Nike's problem is obvious - Ronaldo is currently the laughing stock of world football. A spokeswoman for Nike said:
"A number of ad spots, eg: Rooney "Heart", Ronaldinho "Joy" and Brazil "Team" have been filmed as part of the Joga Bonito campaign and are being hosted on joga.com. "A spot has been filmed with Ronaldo, but to date, it is not confirmed when it will run."
It hasn't been confirmed when Ronaldo will run, either. Happily a group of young blokes with a camera and the music for the Nike ads have come up with a replacement:
Have you been keeping track of the DayoRimet goals per channel per game stats? They're off to the right on the Dayorama homepage. Argentina's 6-0 thrashing of Serbia earlier today has seen the BBC leapfrog ITV - they're now 0.15 goals per game ahead. It's a close old fight, this one.
ITV will I'm sure be hoping there are goals galore to even up the balance in their next game, Holland versus the Ivory Coast. And quite literally as I typed that last sentence, Robin Van Persie crashed a thundering free kick past the Cote D'Ivoire keeper to hand one set of orange-bedecked fans the lead. The stadium is a sight to behold since both sets of fans hold the colour orange so dear.
For some, however, the football is golden:
That video clip shows Unibet's "golden football" plummeting to earth from its lofty vantage point, 663,546 seconds after having been encased in ice. Over at goldenfootball.net all becomes clear - it's a competition to guess how long the ball would take, in seconds, to drop. A Mr Meeuwissen from Holland is the winner, and since the Dutch have just smacked a second goal past the Ivory Coast it must be a good day for the Netherlands.
Our very own Golden Balls helped England to victory yesterday with a cross for Peter Crouch, before this Steven Gerrard strike sealed the deal:
But forget that, take another, closer look at the Crouch goal. Watch his hand and the hair of the Trinidad & Tobago defender:
The video calls him the "hair stroker" - if you ask me that's a full-on grope! As if the boy Crouch needed any help getting himself above defenders for headers.
Finally, the rest of yesterday's photos from the BBC Big Screen at Theo Walcott's old school can be found here. Oh,and the Ivory Coast have got a goal back. Tell you what, this is a good game we're watching!
The title says it all. England have now played two games, scored three goals, conceded none and qualified from their group. This is fantastic. And yet neither performance has done anything to reassure many fans that the team have what it takes to go all the way. Personally I'll be intrigued to see what happens against Sweden, since the Swedes' last-minute winner against Paraguay means that last match now counts for quite a lot.
I spent the day at the BBC Big Screen, which pitched up at the Downs School in Berkshire - Theo Walcott's old school. No Theo appearance to send the gathered schoolkids into raptures, but we did plenty of outside broadcasts from the screen all afternoon and took literally hundreds of photos. It was a fun occasion despite the game turning into something of an anti-climax for the first hour or so.
More photos online over on the Berkshire site tomorrow.
I spent some time voxing the kids, who were very vocal and declared Theo Walcott's absence to have been a shame, in the words of one girl, "because he's fit". If I had the inclination of the Channel 4 show from which the following clip comes, I'd have edited the vow to have her saying Peter Crouch is the new Adonis...
Finally, I made my debut on national network radio today. Use the BBC Radio Five Live listen again panel to find it - you want the Anita Anand show at just gone 10.30pm on Thursday 15 June. Anita says the station asked people at its big screen in Newbury what they thought about bunking off work to watch the World Cup. I'm the last voice you'll hear (and it's quite an extensive clip too!).
It'll only be up until the end of this week so you'll have to hurry. (Being a vain sod I'll be snaffling a recording of it if you're that keen.)
I spent my afternoon down at the BBC Big Screen at Theo Walcott's old school, for the England v Trinidad & Tobago game. Use the audio console below to listen to my pre-match thoughts from the shadow of the big screen, and click here to take a look at photos of the big day on the BBC Berkshire website.
There won't, as previously advertised, be audio updates from a BBC big screen during this afternoon's England v Trinidad & Tobago game due to circumstances beyond my control.
Instead, all being well, I'll be live on the BBC itself from the screen at various points during the afternoon, probably from 4.30pm-ish onwards. Tune in here to listen.
If you were South Korean and you'd beaten Togo in the World Cup, I'm sure you'd be dancing on a car just like the girl in the video above.
Speaking of which, I had an extra go at the newsroom World Cup sweepstake today. A few people had thrown in an extra pound to draw another team, and when I threw my hat back into the ring three teams remained: Argentina, Italy and Togo. I'm sure you can guess which team I drew.
Amy says her "finance is bloody hard". I know the feeling, so's mine. So much so, I parked at the Oxford park and ride earlier tonight to discover I didn't have enough cash for the bus into town. Some people would have driven back out of the park and ride and tried to find somewhere closer to the city centre to park for free. Not me. I've yet to fully appreciate exactly what cars can do. I walked for an hour from the other side of Headington. At least I should have shed a calorie or two.
All of which explains the lack of DayoRimet today, but I can promise you a bumper day tomorrow with - hopefully - a Dayoramoblog from one of the BBC's giant World Cup screens at an as yet undisclosed location somewhere in the country. Tune in for that! England and Trinidad & Tobago kick off at 5pm so I should have filed a pre-match report on here by then. I'll try to do goal updates as well although I do have a job to perform at the same time.
Highlights from Germany v Poland below. The Germans snuck it with a last-gasp goal, but watching the video the number of golden opportunities they had to score is mind-boggling.
Spain on the other hand looked bloody good as they thrashed Ukraine 4-0, and might for once live up to their dark-horse-for-the-Cup reputation. There've been plenty of very, very good goals in the competition so far but my pick of the opening matches is Fernando Torres' glorious effort below:
Torres is sporting an understated but nonetheless impressive mullet this tournament, too. Full marks to the boy. Tonight's final video gives a nice impression of what it's actually like to be inside a World Cup stadium (it shows the opening anthems before Spain and Ukraine kick off), something I reckon the slick TV coverage occasionally fails to reflect.
Enough for today. Remember, near-live audio blogging from the BBC big screen tomorrow from around 4pm BST.
Brazil held on to their 1-0 lead - Kaka's decisive goal is shown in the clip below, complete with authentic over-excited Brazilian commentary.
We also learn tonight that Gary Lineker doesn't know the meaning of the word "blog". Presumably he's far too busy snaffling crisps off an unsuspecting public to mess around on the internet. Click here to watch a short clip of Iain Dowie wandering around in the background of the Match of the Day set on his mobile phone, causing the on-air Lineker some consternation.
Half time in the Brazil v Croatia game and all the talk is about how Brazil have disappointed by being merely very, very good rather than the unspeakable force of brilliance anticipated beforehand. Well, almost all the talk is about that. The rest of the talk is about Ronaldo being a fat pie, or words to that effect.
"He just looks so big!", quoth Alan Hansen.
"He's just not with it, he's not at the races, he looks like somebody whose girlfriend's dumped him just before the game," adds the ever insightful Ian Wright.
"He'll probably score a hat-trick now," concludes Hansen. Ronaldo is the last to trudge out for the second half.
And now, as promised, footage of another team in yellow and green scoring. This was the Togo goal against South Korea earlier today. Watch the celebration, which looks for all the world like a series of mini-kangaroo hops. I have no idea what is supposed to be going on.
British commentators are taking great delight in the bore-draw that has so far been France v Switzerland. The French seem strangely becalmed, the Swiss - unsurpsisingly - a model of military precision.
Mick McCarthy, on BBC1, professed to have missed a corner through having fallen asleep.
Alan Green, on Five Live, has spent an inordinate amount of time discussing FIFA's policy of removing the labels from bottles of water if they are not manufactered by the official supplier to the World Cup. Green, momentarily eschewing traditional BBC policy regarding commercial products: "For all of you at home mine was Highland Spring and we'll have none of this FIFA sponsors nonsense."
I caught moments of the Togo v South Korea game earlier, which looked a far finer spectacle - particularly both South Korean goals and the Togo celebration. I'll try to track down video clips of the lot for tomorrow. YouTube and Google Video tend to operate about 24 hours behind, thus I'm now able to present to you highlights from yesterday's games. In Spanish. (After all this is the World Cup, it's all about expanding cultural horizons...)
USA v Czech Republic
Italy v Ghana
Japan v Australia
Speaking of expanding horizons, I now know where Togo is. Previously I'd no idea it was such a thin sliver of a country wedged into West Africa:
I've also discovered the name for people from Togo is "Togolese". This after suggestions in the newsroom of Togonese, Togoans, Togans/Togons (starting to sound a little like Vogons, a different concept entirely), and Toboggans.
Click here to watch a short video clip of Togolese folk playing football back home, on a pitch which makes Chelsea's infamous sandpit look like a lush meadow. It's not a bad goal, either...
Ghanaian defender Sammy Kuffour's just got away with the footballing equivalent of murder, scraping his studs down the back of Vincenzo Iaquinta's legs with the latter clean through on goal. Iaquinta hit the deck immediately and was stretchered off (he's back on now). Straight red card, surely? Nope. Turns out Iaquinta was offside. This means Ghana nearly put a top Italian forward out of action for the rest of the tournament at absolutely no cost.
That's not stopped the Italians rolling a second past the Ghanaian keeper as I write. Not even cheeky stud-scraping can stop the trusty Italian World Cup war horse rumbing on.
Sadly the BBC won't be screening England matches live on their jumbo TVs in Canary Wharf or Liverpool any more, after violence there in the past couple of days. Always the minority spoiling it for the rest. This video, of admittedly shaky quality, gives a rough idea of the trouble in Liverpool at the Paraguay game:
One of the comments added beneath the video on its original page reads:
Why did you run, you should have stood your ground and fought.
"A pearler from Pirlo!" he screams as the aforementioned rifles home the sweetest of strikes, giving Italy a handy advantage over Ghana just before half time. Ghana have been performing remarkably well all things considered. Perhaps we stuck-up "olde worlde" footballing nations ought to stop writing off the likes of Angola and Ghana on the grounds we can't find them on a map (despite being the ones who crudely carved the continent up in the first place).
More Motty magic earlier in the game - actually this one's primarily Mark Lawrenson, described elsewhere as being "not so much Motson's co-commentator as his guide dog". This exchange accompanied a replay of a crunching challenge on Ghana's Michael Essien:
Lawrenson: "He's taken his standing leg, look - that could have been really nasty."
Motson (referring to the tackle): "That's the one FIFA want to see stamped out."
Lawrenson: "What, his foot?!"
Also filed in the taking-things-a-little-too-literally department, the new Greenpeace advertising campaign. Have a gander at this seemingly innocuous Subbuteo match and then, Question of Sport style, try to guess what happens next. Volume up for full effect and hilarity as the short film reaches its climax.
Finally, a shame to see the USA crash to such a hopeless defeat against the Czech Republic earlier today. There I was laughing at my colleague for drawing Angola in the World Cup sweepstake, and now the USA are behind them on goal difference.
Vote results from the BBC's World Cup website. I can't help but feel the result may have been slightly influenced by the vote's location. A bit like asking England fans who they'd rather see win the World Cup - England or Germany.
I tried to find an identical poll on the ITV World Cup website without success. But then I doubt they'd reach a quorum.
The first reports of English arrests at the World Cup are coming through (see video above for prime example of the breed - those are England supporters in Frankfurt earlier).
A pair of fans from Bolton have been detained by German police for sporting body paint in the form of Nazi symbols - the wearing of which is against the law in the World Cup host nation. From the BBC report:
Robert Schaefer, the operational commander of German police in Frankfurt, said they were among a total of 13 England fans arrested in the city on Saturday for offences including assault and criminal damage, being drunk and disorderly, trying to steal match tickets, and possessing cannabis.
There were also eight arrests in Cologne early on Sunday outside the railway station for public order and assault matters.
Back to the football and Angola gave Portugal a far sterner test than most expected, losing to a single Pauleta goal earlier tonight; Iran equalised against Mexico just after my last post but were eventually comfortably dispatched 3-1; and the hopelessly biased Martin Jol presided over a Dutch win against Serbia & Montenegro in his position as pundit for Five Live. You can distinctly hear Jol exclaimed "Yes!" as the Dutch winner hits the back of the net, and he spent the rest of the match as Chief Dutch Information Officer, briefing listeners against just about every adverse decision the referee made.
Japan make their World Cup entrance tomorrow against Australia in Kaiserslautern. Let's just hope Roberto Carlos hasn't been giving the Aussies any hints - in the commercial below he's shown coming up with a cunning plan to defeat the Land of the Rising Sun...
The Mexicans are currently being held to a 0-0 draw by Iran midway through the first half of their group stage encounter, and the Iranians are looking like no pushovers either.
Even Iranian women are up for the Cup, despite being forbidden to watch matches in their home country. New film "Offside", released two days ago in the UK, tells the tale of three such ladies determined to subvert the religious authorities in Iran and get in to a game.
Much of the film was actually shot during a real-life Iran v Bahrain match, and the reviews are near-gushing. It's a real shame I can't find a trailer but it's certainly a film I'll be making time for during the next few weeks if I can. To quote The Independent film reviewer Jonathan Romney:
[Director Jafar Panahi] has made a comedy: mocking, farcical, celebratory. Cultural specificity notwithstanding, you might call it a ladettes' rallying cry. Offside is a brilliant example of film as opportunism, shoehorning his story into a real event, giving the fiction a sharp documentary edge.
Political cinema is rarely this much fun; films about football never are.
As I finish this post, Mexican Omar Bravo sneaks in at the far post and pokes the western hemisphere into a 1-0 lead. The finest football film of the summer is 'Offside' but, sadly for Iran, Bravo was clearly on.
Much is being made of the weather at the World Cup and England's ability to cope with it.
During yesterday's game with Paraguay there were times when the referee seemed to stop England players gaining access to water at the touchline. The FA's Adrian Bevington says the team will consult FIFA about it:
"We will make a communication to Fifa ... because the medical staff were concerned. We went through 70 litres of water when normally we go through something in the region of 20.
"That shows how much fluid was required and it is important the players can access it as soon as possible. It is also important referees take this into account when you are playing in such severe heat."
And midfielder Joe Cole admitted the heat had an effect:
"I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses but the conditions definitely played a major part. I know it's the same for the other team, and we'll definitely get better with the heat, but I hope the temperature drops."
I've consulted the scheduled kick-off times for the rest of the group stage matches, and I wonder if this is an excuse for failure in the making. If, by some horrendous mishap, England don't qualify for the knockout stages, they might point to these kick-off times and the stifling heat.
England play one game at 2pm (Paraguay), one at 5pm (Trinidad & Tobago) and one at 8pm (Sweden). However, both Sweden and Paraguay have two 8pm kick-offs in cooler evening conditions, while Trinidad & Tobago won't play any game in the afternoon 2pm heat.
That said, it could be worse for England. Serbia & Montenegro, Togo and Japan all have to contend with two 2pm kick-offs in their groups, while a number of other teams have both 2pm and 3pm kick-offs (e.g. Ukraine).
If England make it through the group stage, they won't have another evening kick-off after the Sweden game unless they make it all the way to the semi-finals. Whether they finish top of the group or as runners-up is irrelevant - both their last-sixteen and quarter-final matches would take place at 4pm (whereas half these matches are scheduled to take place at 8pm).
Of course the many fans England took to Germany will be able to vouch for the intense heat and sticky conditions. It's just a shame none of them were oscillating, or they'd have been more use.
How kind of the Silverstone GP to move its start time to midday - now we can all vegetate in front of sport for practically the rest of the day, with the World Cup back in action the moment anyone but Michael Schumacher hopefully takes the chequered flag.
Above: replays of the England goal with almost impenetrable commentary from an Asian TV station, which ought to remind OJ of the fun to be had playing the Japanese import version of International Superstar Soccer all those years ago. Listen out for the name "Michael Owen!" time and time again, implying the pundits hadn't spotted Carlos Gamarra's final touch.
One blog reckons Gamarra's delightful glancing effort yesterday is the quickest own goal in World Cup history, a record sure to thrill him. And the blog goes on with impressive detail:
England have twice benefited from own goals in the competition. The first was scored for them by Josef Barmos of Czechoslovakia in 1982. But Italy have benefited most of all – four FIFA World Cup own goals have worked to their advantage.
The first ever FIFA World Cup own goal was scored by Switzerland’s Ernst Loertscher v Germany in 1938 while only one game in FIFA World Cup history has featured two own goals – the clash between Portugal and USA on 5 June 2002 with Jorge Costa and Jeff Agoos the luckless pair.
Saucepot - an individual with a thesis on their mind, which ought to chime with a few people here - was left distinctly unimpressed with the England performance, but also relayed the pain of having to read the BBC Online text commentary at 4am Japanese time.
Itisi focused on Mexican referee Marco Rodriguez, something of a maverick individual with a penchant for the over-dramatic - and hence a perceived bias in favour of the distinctly over-dramatic Paraguayans. Rodriguez also seemed oddly opposed to the idea of players taking on fluids during the game:
[Rodriguez] bore a remarkable resemblance to a vampire, which may explain why he was so against the players nipping to the sidelines to grab a drink of water – obviously he thought they should stick to blood.
Finally a second video. This one's entitled "Mansfield market after the England v Paraguay World Cup match". Sounds quite tame, doesn't it? Listen with the sound up, but beware mildly offensive vocabulary.
More later on today. Post title taken from the Japanese version of ISS, where the commentator frequently seemed to be saying either "long torpedo!" or "Princess Diana!" but quite clearly wasn't, since neither were on the pitch.
Carlos Gamarra's smacked the ball into his own net so as I write, a third of the way through the game, England are doing a fine job of protecting their 1-0 lead over Paraguay. Joe Cole's just gone down injured but Paraguay have already lost their keeper.
Things aren't great for Paraguay, then, but for Togo they're even worse. With the World Cup already underway and their first match looming, the Togo coach has resigned! Boss Otto Pfister, quoted on BBC Sport, explained himself:
"When I started to be manager of Togo, I was promised that bonuses for the players would be cleared. That is still not the case, so I decided to quit immediately. It has destroyed a dream of my life.
"I'm not going back and I am giving up my work as national trainer. I won't be messed with any more. The players boycotted training sessions and with that my basis to work has been removed."
Pfister was only appointed in March, but now he has Togo. See what I did there?
Seeing as England are relying on the other side to score goals for us so far this tournament, we might be needing Wayne Rooney back. And now you can do your bit.
Go to www.healrooney.com and get to work rubbing your cursor up and down on the base of Wayne's foot when it appears on the screen. For every meter your mouse covers, Wayne can take one step further from FA headquarters to the Commerzbank Arena in Germany. As I write he's only about a third of the way there - 229,143m out of a total distance of 790,056m - but I've contributed 8m so if we all chip in, he'll be fine.
German news agency DDP reports there were 17 arrests at the opening match yesterday, a start regarded as "relatively quiet". No word on English arrests today but there's plenty of time and beer remaining.
Right, off to watch the rest of the game and see if I can do something about my horrendously sunburnt arms. I was out filiming girls' football trials for an online piece all morning, which was great fun, but I hadn't put "hottest day of the year" and "football" together to reach "sun cream". Amateur mistake. Ow ow ow ow ow...
I got harassed by email today because Dayorama wasn't doing anything special for the World Cup. So now we are. On the right hand side of the homepage for the duration of the competition we'll be keeping score between the BBC and ITV coverage - who'll get more goals? And every day I'll be posting a DayoRimet round-up of worthwhile World Cup tidbits I've found.
It's not been a bad opening day at all, has it? Ecuador are clinging to a 1-0 lead over Poland as I write, but the big story's the tremendous tournament curtain-raiser between Germany and Costa Rica. The Germans took the honours 4-2, the highest scoring World Cup opener in the history of the competition.
Miroslav Klose was the Germans' hero - on his birthday, as well. SoccerBlog has a compilation video of the man, mocked by some in the last tournament for terrorising Saudi Arabia and only Saudi Arabia, but this time round he looks like he means business.
Meanwhile one Charlton fan is already hankering after Costa Rican (and former Manchester City striker) Paulo Wanchope following his brace:
Paolo Wanchope would like to return to English football. After the two excellent goals the 30 year old striker scored against Germany in the World Cup opener today, would it be worth Charlton taking a look?
As you must by now know it's the opening England game tomorrow, versus Paraguay. I'll either be in the newsroom or at Newbury racecourse for it - they're opening early at Newbury so people can watch the match on a giant screen, which is a tempting thought. Either way I'll be back here tomorrow night and every night for the next four weeks of football. Enjoy!
It will be if Finnish band Lordi win. They've caused controversy in Finland for being ever so slightly different to your average folk entry, as documented by the BBC here. And this is the video for their track "Hard Rock Hallelujah" (from which this post's title is taken) just to make a point. Which is probably more than they'll do tonight.
If you went to bed a long time ago, like most sane people, you've missed the sight of a large chunk of the BBC crashing to the ground.
At around 3am all the BBC Election Coverage and News 24, plus I'm told Radio 4, dropped off air. BBC1 and News 24 then simulcast BBC World for a while until they restored coverage of the election - from the pub!
Yes, what an opportunity for Emily Maitlis. There she was, hosting an informal chat in the pub as per the BBC way of doing things, occasionally getting some airtime away from the main BBC studios. And now she's at the centre of the whole shebang! And looking shit-scared at the thought of it every time she's on air too. Who can blame her? No Dimbleby, no Robinson - although the latter's mentioned it on his blog:
The entire studio has just been plunged into darkness, taking the programme off air.
I am dictating this to a kindly colleague because it's not just the studio that has gone down. It would appear that all power to this building - and a large part of Westminster that we can see out of the windows - has gone.
It's a bit of a mess right now on the BBC. To quote Emily: "We're just hearing ... (grabs piece of paper) ... yes, this high technology, we're just hearing Harrow is a Tory gain. They couldn't have written it any bigger - trying to make it easy for me. A Tory gain there."
Good job I did all my lurking behind the BBC presenter whilst he's on air at Manchester before their power went down...
If you believed the pre-election hype, the Lib Dems were "supposed" to give Labour a real run for their money in Manchester tonight.
In actuality, they shed four seats to Labour and made no gains of their own. Local Lib Dem leader Simon Ashley told me the party would have to "learn lessons" and rebuild, and he insisted they were allowed one "bad year".
Asked about the comparison between Labour's woes nationally and their success in Manchester, he expressed dismay. "It beggars the question what [Labour] have got to do to lose the confidence of the people of Manchester."
The Tories enjoyed their usual level of success in Manchester - no seats at all. At least it's impossible to lose seats when one possesses none to start with.
Adrian Glasspole and his wife had both been Tory candidates in different Manchester wards. Both were never likely to be elected, but he gamely agreed to speak to me about the apparently hopeless task of representing the Conservatives in the area.
His intriguing explanation for Labour's success here tonight was as follows: Labour nationally have damaged politics so much that no one could be bothered to vote; therefore, Labour locally won because no one could be arsed voting against them.
The Tories have missed their first target seat - the City Centre's a Lib Dem hold, Conservatives in third place behind Labour. The 'quiet confidence' I heard earlier may well be misplaced on their behalf but there's a long way to go yet. I just spoke to leading Green candidate Steve Durrant, who wasn't about to give anything away, but I got the sensation he's not expecting any miracles.
There's a big anti-BNP movement here tonight. There are banners outside and most people are wearing purple stickers declaring their united opposition to the party. I've yet to spy a BNP candidate lurking anywhere, but of course if I do it will be interesting to see what their expectations are tonight.
Welcome to the local elections in Manchester. I'm sat in what is fast becoming the War Room for the media, a large pillared atrium with a vast plasma television next to a series of white boards on which all the results will be gathered.
At the moment it's a case of meeting various candidates from various parties, making myself known and getting into a position where - hopefully - I can accost local politicians, established and budding, throughout the night for a chat about the latest results.
The Conservatives are certainly more enthusiastic and optimistic than the Labour contingent, who told me there will 'definitely' be a swing. But it's the Lib Dems who are predicted to do well here and I've yet to tie one of them down to give me their view. One Tory seat in the whole of Manchester will be a big achievement for them - expect it to come in either the Brooklands or City Centre wards. The Greens are targeting Labour-held Hulme, and I think the Lib Dems want widespread gains.
There's a brilliant article from the BBC News Magazine today about ethics. Following a poll of visitors to the site, a medical ethicist has presented the results of a vote potentially more interesting than the one most people will hear about today. It involves four ethical questions - click here to read more. The moral of the story appears to be: don't be a fat man. And if you are a fat man, don't stand on a bridge or go caving. You'll only put yourself and others through great moral stress.
Of course the 'other' vote today might have ethical consequences in its own right. If the BNP gain seats or the Green party gain seats, there'll have been an ethical dimension. But for most people the focus is likely to be what happens to Tony Blair and Labour following the debacle they've endured over the last week; what happens to David Cameron and the Conservatives in his first real test since taking the party throne; and what happens to the Liberal Democrats with Sir Menzies Campbell installed as leader?
You'll be able to find out on Dayorama. You'll also be able to find out in many, many other places, but if you're particularly bothered about Manchester City Council then definitely stick around because that's where I'll be. It's a Labour seat with a chance - just a chance - the Liberal Democrats might sneak it. And if the Conservatives even win one ward here, that's an improvement, so they've nothing to lose. I'll be at the count until its conclusion and then filing audio all night, but there's bound to be a quiet moment or two to update Dayorama during proceedings.
Dayorama has quite a varied track record over previous election coverage. In 2005 OJ and I co-hosted Oxford Student Radio's general election special from 10pm until 4am, helped by what amounted to our own newsroom of seven or eight people, a truly brilliant occasion.
And in November 2004 we were up for most of the night following the US Election campaign - coverage started here and went on for another fifteen or so posts as time, and Doritos, wore on.
As if you hadn’t guessed, London has won the bid for the 2012 Olympics. Apparently, as the rain began to fall in Paris, the sun shone in London. I’m incredibly excited, and as I drove home with Classic FM blaring our Elgar’s pomp and circumstance, I felt amazingly patriotic. I also won £1 on a scratch card. Wonderful news (and the flat should now go up in value too!)
I think perhaps it is about time that Dayorama started to support the current Olympic bid. By this time tomorrow we shall all know whether London will be host to the 2012 Olympics. Personally, I would love for London to win the bid; think of all that sport on our doorstep! Also, it would mean that France didn’t get the bid, which would be a good thing. Today, Blair and Beckham (!) were in Singapore, making the “final push” for support ahead of the decisive vote. It does seem to be quite a close race, with London, Paris, New York, Madrid and Moscow all with a fighting chance. There certainly seems to be a lot of support amongst British sports persnalities (unsurprisingly) and politicians, but whether the rest of the country is so keen, especially Londoners, has been a bone of contention. There are fears that the transport system would be seriously disrupted and that too much money would be ploughed into the Olympics, rather than being used for other causes. Having said that, hosting the Olympics would provide Britain with a lasting legacy (even if some credit would have to go to Blair). Think of the sports facilities, the improved transport links, the regeneration in the East of London (and hopefully my flat increasing in price) and the temporary jobs that would be created. Perhaps the Olympic bid is just what Britain needs to regain some solidarity, a sense of the wider Community, and of course to improve our sporting success. Back the bid, I say. And keep your fingers crossed tomorrow lunch time!
I was browsing through the local council results for this election and something caught my attention. The BBC gives you an option to "click on the letter below to find your council". Usually, such a list would include every letter of the alphabet. This isn't necessary in this case: only the letters B C D E G H I K L N O S W are required (there may be a couple more due to the fact that not all Councils have elections each year). We simply don't have Councils beginning with F, Q, V, W etc. I don't know much about Old English/our Anglo-Saxon routes (although I am quite interested, so perhaps I shall endeavour to learn more about it over the summer), but surely the fact we don't use every letter has something to do with our linguistic Heritage? Fascinating stuff. Ollie, help here?
Seeing as neither of the other two have posted yet, here’s my election summary:
Labour have won a historic 3rd term in office. With 634 out of 646 declared, Labour have 355, the Conservatives have 197 and the Lib Dems have 62. As a result, Blair says he has “listened and learned” during the election campaign and will focus on the "public’s priorities" in his third term. I thought this was what he was always meant to do? Howard has announced that he will step down as leader sometime before the next election to let someone younger take over. And Kennedy has pledged to present a “real alternative” at the next election, indicating a "new era" of politics. I dread to think - more yellow, that's for sure.
After Sunderland South were the first to declare, the results continued to trickle in, reported with great style by Ollie and OJ on Oxide Student Radio. Unsurprisingly people such as Boris Johnson and Ann Widdecombe retained their seats - the South East is still predominantly "blue". Oliver Letwin, Theresa May and David Davis for the Conservatives and Jack Straw for Labour also managed to remain in Office. Flook lost in Taunton, but Torridge and West Devon switched from Lib Dem to Tory. The “Respect” (anti-war manifesto) candidate Goerge Galloway has taken the so-called Labour safe seat in Bethnal Green and Bow. Unsurprisingly, Kilroy-Silk didn’t get anywhere, only getting 6% of the vote in his constitudency. The Lib Dems faired well in Scotland, as did the SNP; Labour appears to have lost a lot of support North of the border. It also lost its safest seat in Wales, Blaenau Gwent. The Green Party have still failed to win any seats; stick to Europe, that’s my advice. UKIP also failed to get anywhere, and luckily the BNP didn’t either, although rather worryingly they did increase their share of the vote.
There was a slightly higher turnout than in 1997, with 61.28% of people voting. Some marginal seats increased by as much as 15%. Blair has about 36% of the popular vote. And finally, next time around, the Electoral Commission promise to prevent postal voting fraud.
With thanks due to the BBC, here ends my brief summary.
The BBC descibe today as "[the day where] voters decide the next government". From 10pm tonight you can listen to exclusive coverage of the results by OJ and Ollie, brought to you from the depths of broadcasting HQ of Oxide Radio. On the website, the show this evening is described as being "what may be Oxford Student Radio's most ambitious show ever". Good luck guys!
Meanwhile, as my erstwhile comrades ship their votes off to the Post Office to be lost and discovered in 2017, I ponder who to vote for. And then who to vote for with my other polling card.
No postal vote for me, I can nip to Stokenchurch, vote, nip back to Oxford, and vote. Alas in the circumstances I can't, since I have an interview in London that day, so I'll have to restrict my enfranchisement to one brief excursion. But the question remains, for whom will I vote? My party loyalty feels less than binding right now...
During dinner on Friday evening, Ollie, OJ, Anthony and I were discussing the issue of voting twice in the General Election.
In local elections, apparently if you are registered with two different Councils e.g. your home and your university council, then you can legitimately vote twice. Obviously, if the election occurs on the same day, one of the votes will have to be a postal vote (unless you fancy commuting between two different locations).
However, in a General Election, voting twice means that you commit electoral fraud, regardless of how many times you are registered.
The recent vote-rigging scams have highlighted problems with the current postal vote system. If the electoral committee are unable to know “who” has voted, how do they know if I have voted twice or not?
I have registered at home, and have applied for a postal vote. However, College appears to have also registered me in Oxford and consequently I have a second opportunity to vote. I’d like to add at this stage, that I will not be voting twice: it is illegal. But, I would like to know what would happen, if anything, if I did vote twice.
So, what would happen if I voted twice? In reality, probably nothing. Unless, the electoral commission wanted to pin me down and prove that the “Amy Kennedy” postal vote in Faversham and Mid Kent, was the same “Amy Kennedy” who voted in Oxford West and Abingdon. Surely they can’t do that for every student across Britain? What I don’t understand is why I am registered with College. I appreciate that College is a residency, and thus they can stipulate who resides in their property. However, appearing on the electoral register is a matter of choice: if my parents didn’t want to vote, or didn’t want to be on the register, then they don’t have to send their polling card off, and consequently they will not be on the electoral register? Why am I not allowed to make this choice? Why should College automatically assume that I want to be registered here? Secondly, surely this will mess up voting figures? If every student at Lincoln was registered in Oxford, but all decided to vote at home, then the percentage of people voting in Oxford would fall, indicating voter apathy, even though in reality these people had voted in another constituency. Thirdly, presumably this also means that if we lived in an ideal democracy and everybody voted, and the students who had two votes voted twice, then we would end up with obscure situation where we would have more votes than people. It really is rather messed up, and the option to have postal votes doesn’t seem to help the situation.
The word from Lincoln’s JCR is that many people will be voting twice: “no one is going to find out”. Whilst this may be true, this is fundamentally wrong. The option to register in either constituency should exist – in many ways it is a bonus; it may be tactically better to vote in one constituency than the other, but it shouldn’t be possible to register twice. To me, this seems quite an obvious avenue for electoral fraud. I can’t see why the authorities haven’t thought more about this, and acted upon it. Perhaps I should email www.aboutmyvote.com and see what they have to say…
Despite grumblings on this website, with only 16 days left until the election Labour are crawling ahead in the polls with a lead of 40% over the Conservative's 32% (MORI), or 41% : 33% (ICM).
And these are still such silly reasons not to vote. If you think Blair is a liar, then vote for someone else. If you are dissatisfied, then you still need to vote - otherwise, how can you complain if you didn't do anything to stop it? Grr. Apathy really really gets to me.
The Conservatives and Labour have launched into their campaigning this week by fighting out their respective health policies. Why then have the Lib Dems attacked Labour's plan by saying "targets are not the answer", and then promised 10,000 extra police officers?! Will the extra police officers curb violence, and thus reduce the number of people attending A+E, thus reducing waiting times? If the Lib Dems want to be effective competition for Labour/Conservatives, then they need to produce effective counter-attacks to the policies on offer, not just change their campaign focus.
All three of us have been out of the loop this weekend with election news (and indeed news in general; I had forgotten it was the London marathon until I saw a man with his finisher's medal and number walk by in Reading station). Still, I received in my post today an invitation to a Conservative Future rally with Michael Howard this Thursday. Alas, it's in Leeds, and has stringent identity requirements (I presume to keep young trots out). I really don't know what they would want us to do there - it's hardly Rock the Vote. I'll try to find out what happened, just to see if I really missed out.
A brief word about the demise of MG Rover. It's pretty simple - they made bad cars, and have done for a while. How could they possibly [edit: thanks Ol] compete when even GM is having a bad time? Turning down Alchemy was a bad move...
Since bloggers are meant to be a force clad in pyjamas, and since this made me laugh so much, here is the Pass Notes from the Guardian comparing the Tory election slogan to, erm, a well loved children's show. It really did make me snort during a break from revision.
That's the election slogan for Labour. It still reminds me of something from the 1997 election and quite frankly I think it makes one stand back and think, "yep, I'll go forward not back and vote for someone other than Labour". I don't think that is the line Tony is going for.
Unsurprisingly there are a lot of tax related pledges - although a promise not to increase VAT on food somehow goes against the promise of promoting a healthy society (Jamie Oliver style) - Why doesn't he increase the tax on beefburgers and chips? Oh no, I forgot, that wouldn't get him any votes. To "rebulild and refurbish" every secondary school, seems a little crap - what's he going to do, give each one enough money for a tin of paint? And how can you restore Royal Mail to "good health"? I thought it lost the monopoly anyway in 2006, so what is the point?
And the good news? He promises that this will be his last election. heh.
I never knew ducks were meant to be speedy. This morning, Sarah Kennedy gave birth to Donald James, a replacement for the Lib Dem manifesto. Congratulations, and of course, feel free to disregard the post below.
The Lib Dem campaign – what Lib Dem campaign? OK, let’s be fair. The southwest is an important Lib Dem stronghold, where Labour is marginalised to only the urban areas such as Exeter and Plymouth. Industrial labour doesn’t really matter down here; farming and foxhunting does. It makes for a very clear contrast between the Lib left and Conservative right. Anyway, Charles Kennedy was making a tour around Totnes today when he was called away by the news that his wife, Sarah, has gone to hospital. Sarah is due to give birth in the next week, but for now Charles is out of the campaign for the next two days. Unfortunately, today was meant to be the launch of the Lib Dem manifesto. What manifesto? Quite. His deputy, Sir Menzies “the merciless” Campbell, is stepping in for the next two days, but Kennedy is actually quite an electoral asset, in as much as most of the Lib Dem frontbench (excepting, perhaps, Simon Hughes?) aren’t. Even if Charles is back on Wednesday or Thursday, he’ll probably lose another two or three days when the baby is born. I know a baby is meant to be a huge bonus in an election year, but this situation only seems to be posing problems.
Flicking through the Times this morning, one particular article caught made me smile. Yesterday, Blair was formally elected as Labour candidate for Sedgfield. Blah blah blah. However, instead of being able to smile his way through the occasion, he kept a serene face. As the article notes, Blair’s smile, once his greatest asset, has become a “liability”, a “mark of his supposed complacency” and a “smirk for the Tories to beat him with”. Heh. This is all rather ironic considering the fact that in 1997 everyone though the smile was wonderful; a change from the sullen, middle-aged, untrustworthy face of the Tories. However, I must admit, it’s hard not to agree with the sceptics. The smile does, at times, give the impression of someone who is rather smug with his achievements and perhaps is hiding certain truths behind the smile. It is unsurprising then that the slogan “wiping the smile off Blair’s face” has become the unofficial slogan of the Tory party. No doubt the smile will provide Howard and his crew with amble bait for snide remarks in the coming weeks. For Blair to get rid of the smile now though seems even more fake – Is he smiling? Is he trying not to smile but inside grinning like a Cheshire cat? Or is he being serious? We shall have to see. However, what this incident does show is that, for better or worse, Blair really has been married to Cherie for too long – it’s just time it’s for the worse; her facial features have clearly rubbed off on him.
The election has disappeared this weekend, a victim to a real life announcements columnn. The Pope's funeral yesterday and the royal marriage today has marginalised even the Election 2005 sidebar on the BBC New site. It has also given the Scottish Green Party (who?) a chance to shine, as well as the BBC Reporter Bus, which looks very cool, but not as cool as Jeremy Vine's purple Newsnight campervan. So no Lib Dem news from me.
In other news, Amy has also disappeared for the weekend, so all I have left is revision to do. Now that I've been back for almost a week, there's no real excuse for stopping early afternoon, so instead of sleeping, I'm currently telnetting for the codes of all the books I'll need to go read. This includes not only the stuff I read for my tutorial essays, but the topics I didn't do essays on all. And it's just beginning to hit me that if I really wanted to spend the rest of my life revising, I probably could. Thank god for exams. I'm currently looking for books on ninth century Bulgaria (from memory, surprisingly interesting), Iran (not so interesting) and the Vikings (possibly interesting - I didn't cover them). After that I'll be doing in depth revision on the Merovingians, and in particular Gregory of Tours, as it has been conclusively shown in tutorials and a collection that what I thought happened may, in fact, not actually be true, even if I do write it with confidence. If only they had more questions on the virginity of sixth century nuns instead of six compulsory questions on Gregory, then all would be fine. But they don't. The upside, however, is that before I get to all this, I shall spend next week revising the American Revolution and the Constitution. Lots of primary documents in reasonable English (as opposed to, say, translated Arabic), and a corpus of interesting and varied secondary literature. Moreover, I can now imagine Nic Cage running around with Sam Adams and the rest - it's all in the name of historical accuracy, I promise you!
Perhaps I'd best mention the fact that Rover MG are up shit creek and their paddle, whilst it still exists (according to optimists), is seriously rotten. This is important. Around 6,000 jobs are at risk, not to mention the probable knock-on effects of the Longbridge plant closing. Obviously if the government are unable to save these jobs, then it is unlikely that any of these people, or their families, will be voting Labour in a few weeks time. Consequently, Blair and Brown took it upon themselves to trot off up to Birmingham to do “all they could” to save the plant - even if this did include having talks with Union Leaders and brought a shudder to the ranks as the memory of the “old” Labour returns. You don’t need me to tell you that the result of these negotiations could significantly affect Labour’s popularity in the Midlands. Good timing? I think not.
Just something I was thinking about over breakfast: Where has the Labour rose disappeared to? The only sign on their website is a very small motif at the bottom, and the same can be said of their posters. Presumably they have phased it out, but why? Is it a sign of "old" Labour? Personally, I thought it was quite a nice little emblem. It’s not as though emblems have gone out of fashion; the Conservatives and Lib Dems still have theirs. Weird.
Part and parcel of being a perennial also-ran is that there’s a reason for that badge, and in the case of the Lib Dems, it’s boredom. (Perhaps the mustard yellow site makes up for the soporific nature of, well, their party.) I’ve been listening to the news and browsing for something interesting to say about them today, but I’ve actually ended up using Google News. In doing so, I am directed to a piece by The Guardian about a Lib Dem PPC who wishes to make some small but substantial changes to the administration behind postal voting. Fascinating.
In all seriousness, the recent revelations over vote fixing by Labour councillors are indeed scandalous, but the consensus response is that because the rigging happened on the council scale, surely nothing like that could happen in a General Election. Especially since the inner cities where the votes were fixed tend to favour Labour. The whole postal voting issue, and indeed voter registration, although of vital importance, seem to be kept quiet. Which is a shame, because after a great deal of searching, the AboutMyVote site is highly useful and very informative. If the ERC made the regulations about voter registration clearer, then I’m sure a lot of these problems would go away. Still, at the end of the day, we don’t have chads…
Seeing as we are in the Internet age, it seems only fair to comment on the websites of the three main parties – the links are as follows: Conservative, Labour, Lib Dem. I’ll obviously be viewing them through red-tinted glasses, but all three paint insightful pictures about the parties and some interesting comparisons emerge.
I shall begin with Labour. Instead of being directed straight to the main homepage, at the moment there is a page titled, “Talk to Tony”. Actually, “Email Tony’s Advisors” would be more accurate. This is an opportunity to submit a question to the campaign trail, or sign up for Labour’s newsletter (I’m tempted, just haven’t brought myself round to doing so yet).
The main website is rather promising – it isn’t overly fussy, it has a clear toolbar, and has a welcoming picture of Tony on his campaign trail. The slogan at the top reads “Britain forward not back” – this reminded me of their 1997 campaign, but if they want to retain that image, then the little green and red box does no harm, but nor does it appear to add anything either. Other options on the homepage include donating money, becoming a member of the party, or viewing Tony’s Campaign Diary. This Diary is written in the first person, I suppose it is his way of blogging, and is generally quite chatty – he simply tells the world what he has been up to. I do get the impression however, that if he has an uneventful day, he could go too far and start telling us all what he ate for lunch. It’s a welcoming approach however, although I am sure that the sceptics amongst us could interpret this as rather slimy – where is the line between making a “genuine connecting with the people” and being fake? That’s up to the electorate to decide. I don’t want to ramble on too much as the whole website oozes this friendly, people-party approach, but there was one particular area which caught my attention. Clicking on the bright green map of England, the reader is able to select any area of the UK, presumably they will select their constituency, and then they can find out “what Labour has done for them”. I think this is an extremely important feature of the website, and one that non of the other parties have yet to include in such depth. It gives the voter the opportunity to really see what has occurred at “frass-roots” level, whether or not Labour currently hold the majority in their area. The format may be standard across each constituency, and on first impressions it seems as though the facts are all the same, but on closer inspection all the figures are unique to each area. This is definitely a plus on the website, and I would imagine could appeal to many voters (if they like what they read of course!).
In comparison, the Tory website is less fussy from the outset, and instead has gone for punchy slogans and policy statements. In all honesty, I actually find it a very amusing and informative way of presenting information – there is a fantastically cheesy photo of Blair stating “more means testing and higher council tax for pensioners”, and then a photo of Howard saying “a bigger state pension and lower council tax for millions of pensioners”. It’s a very effective way of getting competing policy ideals across. They also include their main objectives in an understandable way, and provide detailed information should you require. Whilst the website is more formal, you certainly get an impression of what the Tories are out to achieve. They begin with the slogan “Are you thinking what we are thinking”, and by the end of a few minutes browsing on the website, you should have a clear impression of whether you do or not.
However, when you tap your postcode into the “find your local Conservatives” box, you don’t get helpful information about what the Tory’s have done in your area, but instead are given the party contacts. Does this matter? In the grand scheme of things, I doubt it. After all, they aren’t the party in power, and therefore they won’t ever have been able to archive as much as Labour.
So, yes, on first impressions the website is quite formal, but on deeper investigation it reveals what the Tories stand for, what they want to achieve and shows them connecting with people from all walks of life. They appear confident, and don’t give the impression they have something to prove, or are hiding anything; they believe they are the best people for the job. Do we believe them?
Finally, I turn to the Lib Dem website. Beware, you will need your sunglasses – the blinding mustard yellow format certainly tells us that the party colour is yellow. To be honest, I’ve run out of will-power to look over this website in detail. However a few things sprung to mind a) it’s overly yellow (but I’ve mentioned that); b) I don’t want the first thing I read on the website to be a box asking me to donate money - just think, £50 could buy 100 election posters… according to Oxfam it could also pay for a trainee teacher’s salary in Kenya or feed orphaned children in Malawi – now that puts it into perspective; and c) its’ boring –it doesn’t give the impression that there is any passion in the party at all. There are no bitchy slogans or competitive policy ideals, just lots of information (on a white background with standard font). Dull.
That’s that. On the basis of that, it’s a close call between Labour and Tory – it really depends what you want to know and what you think a website should provide. Personally, the boys in blue do it for me. And the Lib Dems? Poor show.
Nick Herbert, director of thinktank Reform, has been elected to represent the Conservatives in Arundel, following Howard Flight's acrimonious departure.
Flight was dismissed because he expressed the view that the Tories would introduce cuts in public spending in excess of those they advertised. Which, it emerges, is precisely the line of thought pursued by Nick Herbert in several news articles in recent times.
The Reform Manifesto, published on their website two months ago, includes these excerpts:
"Public spending increases must be brought back below the trend rate of economic growth."
"... the overall tax burden could be reduced significantly in as little as five years."
"Real reform of the public sector would mean improved services and lower taxes."
Choice cuts from elsewhere on the Reform site:
"The problems of British healthcare are not due to lack of resources."
Importantly: "A Reform study published in December 2004 warned that by 2010 the NHS will cost up to £20 billion more than it should for its level of performance. The study found that the NHS will deliver a better service and that the Government’s waiting times targets will be met. But a failure to introduce reform means that improvements will be bought at huge and unnecessary cost."
Let's pause there. Herbert can assume responsibility for this as a director of the thinktank, which in the previous paragraph declares that by 2010 Labour plans for the NHS would deliver a 'better service' and that 'waiting times targets will be met'.
The gripe is the cost. Herbert appears cut out of the exact same mould as Flight.
This is not as illogical a choice as it may first appear. In fact Michael Howard may be quite pleased. The appointment of Herbert will allow him to argue that Flight was sacked not for his views, since Herbert shares them, but for the implication that the Conservatives were intentionally misleading the public. Herbert is entitled, Howard might argue, as all Conservative MPs are, to his own views. But no MP can overstep the mark and accuse their party of misrepresenting its own agreed policies.
£170 a week maternity pay for six months? It’s all part of Charlie Kennedy’s plan to attract the mother vote. Or alternatively, suck up to the Archbishop of Canterbury. To whit, from the BBC:
‘Launching the package of measures, Mr Kennedy said: "Last week the Archbishop of Canterbury called for 'a programme for fuller and better family support, fuller and better care for our children throughout society'.
"Our manifesto for families sets out just such a programme.
"It recognises that in the 21st century the modern British family comes in many shapes and sizes. We are no longer a nation that has one universal family structure."
Mr Kennedy, who is soon to become a father himself, said the manifesto set out "real solutions to the problems that families face every day".’
I’m not entirely sure why Rowan Williams has been brought in here; the Church of England vote is very much that of the Conservatives, while the policy is trying to attract voters from Labour. Indeed, in order to fund this scheme, the Lib Dems would scrap the £250 baby bond. And as ever, it comes down to money: who should get it (the Child Trust Fund eventually goes to the child only, rather than parents), and when.
On another note, there is a distinctly unflattering picture of Kennedy in one of today’s paper. He’s standing on a stage with a giant picture of himself in the background; unfortunately, he looks like he is about to be eaten by a giant salmon. Which is apt, I suppose. I shall try to dig it out and post a link.
So why do I get Labour then? Principally because Ollie and OJ bagged the other two parties, and I was left with Labour (no pun intended). I think I should be able to report about Labour from quite an interesting perspective: I was brought up in a reasonably “lefty” family – my parents have been firm supporters of Labour for many may years now and I always assumed that I would follow suit. However, a few things changed a) I came to Oxford and was surrounded by people who held right ring views and I began to be part of a society which thrived on right-wing politics and all that it stands for; b) I have a highly-paid job awaiting me when I leave Oxford, and somehow supporting Labour doesn’t help me anymore – why do I want higher taxes?; and c) I became a Citizens Advice Bureau Advisor - in some ways this made me strongly left-wing, and yet in others it made turned me drastically right-wing (perhaps rather surprisingly given the nature of the CAB’s work), and ultimately this latter viewpoint has remained dominant for the last 18mths or so. At the same time whilst I agree with the Tories on principle I can’t see Howard being the next PM; he’s not charismatic enough, and in that respect I see the Labour Party as the most appropriate party to win the election and run the country. At the same time, I want to vote Tory. Decisions, decisions, decisions.
As Ollie has commented, PMQ’s today was fairly raucous. Blair hailed the economic prowess of the Country under Labour – promising this would end if the Tories came to power; apparently they are offering the “same crew voters rejected in 1997”. Pretty predictable stuff. The banter between the two sides was obviously high, but perhaps Howard had the last word when he said “"In the words of the chancellor, why should people ever believe a word he says ever again”. Howard was referring to Blair breaking promises regarding the raising of taxes and tuition fees, but the same could be said about the war. The war in Iraq may have sunk to the bottom of the political agenda for a while now, but it is still an area where many loyal Blairites feel they were betrayed. As the Times Election supplement suggests, “don’t mention the war”. Perhaps this is an election where voters will be more concerned with who they trust to lead them in the next few years, rather than the policies each party is offering. A interviewee on Classic FM News commented earlier, [paraphrase] "I wouldn't vote for Blair, he's got that look in his eyes and a smile you can't trust". Ok, of course he has, he's a politician. But nevertheless I think 'trust' and 'values' will pay an important role in the weeks to come. Either way, whilst Labour may have the head start over the Tories, their historic third term isn’t in the bag yet.
Yes, it's the David Blunkett Viagra Workout DVD, available in all good stores from next month.
It's also the tactic employed by Michael Howard in the last PMQs before the General Election earlier today. Howard shouts out something that's gone up under Labour, and as he says 'Up!', so he is joined by the rest of the Tory benches. When something's gone 'Down!', they do the same.
So it's pantomime season still in the House of Commons, at least. Blair fought back with the insistence that everyone's jobs were at risk under a Tory government. He then sidestepped the question 'What is the Prime Minister's greatest regret of his last term in office?' with all the elegance and bullshitting of a graduate interview, twisting it on its head and using it to list the achievements he did not regret. It was more than a little transparent, as was the cheap jibe that his greatest regret was that there weren't even fewer Tories opposite him.
Meanwhile, Howard Flight won't be standing as an independent and has 'abandoned' his tete-a-tete with his something-of-the-Flight namesake. Yesterday, Peter Snow discounted the Flight saga anyway, suggesting it had had no effect on the polls - MORI had the Tories in a five point lead, based on voters who would actually go to the ballot box. Today's YouGov poll has Labour and the Tories tied on 36%. It suddenly seems like the only place where blue is in the minority is in the BBC Election 2005 logo, which, one reader pointed out, features just 28% blue to 40% red and 26% yellow...
Welcome one, welcome all, to Dayolection 2005 - this time it's British.
Over the coming weeks, the plan is as follows:
- We'll be taking a party each and casting a suspicious, snarky, shrewd, succinct eye over their every move. Amy will take on Labour, Ollie will analyse the Conservatives and OJ, having been buttered up nicely by his Lib Dem MP, will be keeping up with the perennial also-rans.
- Ollie will be Snowbound in order to take stock of the ebb and flow of the polls, perhaps with a bit of help from everyone's favourite swinger, the BBC man himself.
- Throughout the night of 5 May 2005, Dayorama will webcast live in a repeat performance of its successful 2004 US election updates. There may well be lime Doritos too, just like old times.
- And of course, we'll be posting the usual random reflections on anything of interest. For example, the Peter Snow desktop alert sounds like my tutor at university. Onward! With Dayolection 2005.
Fascinating work on the election for the cartographically inclined can be found here, where the results take into account population levels. I don't think they used Cartographer for this.
Throughout last night, there was no doubt that the vast majority of the crowd in my college dining hall were in favour of Kerry. This is hardly surprising, and I recall reading somewhere that Kerry could lay claim to something like 75 per cent of the world vote, if we were all allowed a vote. But I can't help feeling that a second Bush term isn't really the crisis some people are making it out to be, and that it might even be a substantial improvement on the return we'd have got out of a Kerry presidency.
Had Kerry won, it would have been very tight. That much was obvious from the moment the first results came through, and if he had taken Ohio, he would have had the electoral college vote but severely lacked the popular vote. His mandate would have been slim if not non-existent, and his policies, while to an extent more coherent than you'd imagine listening to the Bush camp, would obviously have required change in a period when domestic upheavals are the last thing America needs.
So a Kerry presidency would have presented problems (and I know I'll barely touch the surface of any issues here but I'm trying to be brief). A Bush presidency, by contrast, presents a known quantity, a pre-established set of international allegiances which Bush can now work on without having to keep a second term in the back of his mind, and a settled White House team (again, not necessarily, but I'm not qualified to start digging any deeper). In fact, in extremely simple terms, I'm not convinced that there exists the animosity to Bush that many would claim. Returning to the talk by Ann Wroe on Tuesday night, she admitted that as a Democrat, her problem was not with Bush, but with the people around him. I agree - George W. Bush himself is not a threat. He has plenty of political experience and is a more shrewd political player than his many detractors will acknowledge; he has four years in the job under his belt and an army of advisors; he is not a dictator, merely the public front of a vast governmental machine.
One questions whether an America under Kerry would have been a different machine, or just a different front. I do not believe a Bush victory to be the unmitigated disaster that Moby, for example, by claiming he will "spend the next four years drunk", intimates. Instead, I expect Bush to use his increased mandate and the security of a second term to much better effect than the first time out, and I expect the 2008 election to be very healthy indeed.
I think that deep down, a lot of people who would have ostensibly voted Kerry would also agree with these sentiments. Being seen to openly back Bush was to ally oneself with an individual widely portrayed as bungling, inept and malevolent, to endorse war in Iraq and to support the interests of big business. Few Britons in this liberal climate (reflected best in the kind of opinion you'll get from the spheres of indie music, film and the new media) are prepared to tie themselves remotely to those key themes. However, supporting Bush should not have been purely a question of the sleazy corporate whore against the free-thinking individual. Bush stands for the economy, yes (observe the Dow Jones gains on the back of his victory), but he also stands for security, simplicity (in its best sense, not just its worst), determination and faith. Those are conservative values. Conservative values are not inherently bad, they are just depicted as such by a political climate which now relies as much on 'cool' as its successor, the cult of celebrity.
There is plenty in George W. Bush to admire and encourage. There is plenty to abhor. It would have been little different with Kerry. A Bush victory is probably far less catastrophic than any liberal will be ready to admit.
I too have woken up and showered. Life seems more managable now. Still nothing official, but clearly Bush has won. I thus feel very smug about my initial predictions. I am definitely feeling the effect of too many Doritos last night, as there is a lime taste in mouth that isn't going away. Oh well. Combined with the beer, Amy wasn't too impressed. Time, I think, to make some more predictions:
- the rumours about the new cabinet will be interesting. Will Powell stay? Rumsfeld? Rice? It will all have a very noticable effect on policy in the immediate months.
- what does Blair think of it all? No doubt he'll be the first to congratulate Bush and cheer up Kerry.
- what next for Kerry? Must be pretty miserable being the senator that was just not good enough.
- Edwards in '08? Fascinating piece in Slate about the need for simplicity. I agree that if Hilary Clinton gets anywhere near the summit of Democratic party politics, it's going to be another four more years.
- Daschle lost his seat, the first time it's happened in ages. Who next as the minority leader (Obama?! :P)
- how long is it going to take for me to recover from this night? I am really feeling my age...
As I wearily predicted at gone 5am (and yes, I've only just resurfaced), it has all come down to Ohio. The Democrats are saying they'll wait until every provisional ballot has been counted, which will mean days before they concede the election, unless they accept what very much looks like the inevitable.
Which begs the question: did the Guardian lose John Kerry the 2004 Presidential Election? "You might help decide who takes up residence in the White House next month", the paper told its readers last month. Indeed, they probably did - so many residents of Clark County, Ohio, to whom Guardian readers addressed letters overwhelmingly in favour of John Kerry, told their overkeen foreign correspondents to naff off. They did so with some quite bizarre references to dentistry, but we were still told precisely where to get off. I wonder how many people in Clark County, and in Ohio at large, in the knowledge that the Brits were trying to swing the election, ended up undecided in the voting booth and plumping for Bush. Was it the Guardian what won it?
I'm calling it a day, under the basis that it looks as though the election will turn on Ohio, and I don't think they will declare it until everyone is one hundred per cent certain of the result. That will take us well into the morning.
I'd like to thank the people who kept me company all night, particularly OJ but also a motley crew who brought food and opinions, spilt both over each other and then helped with the mopping up afterwards. If you've been following us through the night, thanks for reading. If you're looking at this at a later date, then scroll down/look at the previous posts, because I suspect I'm not at my best with this one.
It's 5am, and there are now fifteen people left in the room (one of which is tidying up after running the bar all night). A Kerry campaign spokesman is currently talking on CNN: "we're confident that at the end of this, when the votes are counted, John Kerry will be elected President." I'm less sure. Kerry is creeping back a little in Ohio but not enough to really do anything about it, to my mind. Florida has been called by ABC and the BBC, but CNN still obstinately refuse, presumably mindful of what happened in 2000 (though Florida has clearly gone to Bush this time). Kerry still looks like he'll sneak New Hampshire, but that won't be enough on its own - Michigan hasn't been mentioned much, yet it could be very important. It carries 17 electoral college votes, which could be crucial, and the NY Times has Kerry ahead with 31% of precincts reporting. That would still leave Kerry standing still though. He needs to win Ohio, and I really don't think he will.
The stench of stale beer is becoming overwhelming. I may not be here come 6am... we shall see. We shall see.
I'm still here, even if I am all alone now, and I'm flogging Doritos to the remaining hardcore Americans and drunkards. Pennsylvania has been declared by the AP for Kerry, but other states like Ohio and Florida are becoming almost certain Bush states, which is likely to put the mockers on Kerry's chances. There was some talk on the BBC earlier of a 269-269 situation, but I can't see that happening - the only potential minefield I can see ahead is the situation in New Mexico, where the result may not be known until tomorrow night because of absentee ballots. New Hampshire is very close, and now CNN is talking to Ralph Nader, to cries of "**** off" from the majority of those remaining in the room. I'll be back at 5am with more.
So it's coming up to 4 am and the networks are calling that Wooding is off to bed. Taking a look at what's happening right now, it seems more and more likely that Bush is going to be re-elected. He's going to get Florida, probably going to take Ohio, is up there in New Hampshire, Michigan and Wisconsin. Kerry is slightly up in Iowa, a bit of a surprise, and should take Pennsylvania. Looks like Ohio is the key - and a Bush re-election with it.
It's been fun blogging all night, but I've got to head off. No doubt when I wake up this afternoon, nothing will be decided, noone will have conceded and the lawyers will be working overtime. Hope you've enjoyed the coverage.
[This post clearly written by OJ. I mean, it should be obvious by now.]
One of the better puns I've heard so far tonight. Peter Snow is back and pondering over Ohio, whilst recently Missouri, Arkansas and in general many places seem to be leaning towards Bush. Florida is highly likely to go to Bush, and now Peter is, for some reason, talking of 218-196 in favour of Bush. I have no idea where those figures came from.
Lots of people are now lying down in here, and I've kind of lost the desire to take photos, particularly of OJ lying back in front of the big screen. In fact, it's cold enough in here that I've put my fleece back on, and we've all given up on the Doritos. I reckon there's just over fifty people left in here, which is quite good going, and I'm not as tired as I thought I might be by now. I'm certainly not as bad as others, including OJ, who is staring up at the ceiling as I type.
Bush, apparently, leads in Ohio. I'm trying to follow the BBC's online election map, but after a while it tends to flash everywhere to the extent that you don't know where to click, and its information is a little misleading. It is hard to tell, for instance, how close a state is to being called in favour of a candidate - most of the time the map simply shows projected victories. Kansas has just gone red online, suggesting a Bush triumph, which is no shock. I'll return at 4am.
There's now a distinct number of people who have left the hall, clearly unable to take the pace. The most exciting thing that has happened is that we switched from the BBC to CNN and back to the BBC again. CNN was much better with the US presenters - Wolf Blitzer and Larry King, with numerous big guest stars. Fact of the night so far: every state has so far conformed to the 2000 vote. I will admit that I'm stuggling. Oh, a live feed of Bush in the White House. Colin can't stand the man's smirk.
In other news:
- it currently stands 172 to Bush, 112 to Kerry. Ohio, Pennsylvania and Florida are yet to report, though early polls suggest that Bush is doing much better in Florida than had been expected.
- Barack Obama won handily in the Illinois Senate Race. By about 80%. Third black man in the Senate.
- law suits appear to be happening in Ohio and possibly Missouri. Interesting.
- Ollie has caught up with me in the sweepstakes. Of course, the real result won't be known for quite some time as final figures come in.
- David Frum has been replaced by someone with a natty moustache.
- DayoSchamaLlama watch (in the style of the Washington Post): No sign of Schama, Llama.
- I don't want to see any more Doritos, dip or beer for a while.
Colin has just provided us with this week's Weekly World News. Headline: "Alien caught in hottub - with Laura Bush and Teresa Heinz Kerry!" Oh yeah.
The BBC has got into some domestic debate over tax cuts and income inequality. Booooring. Show us Peter Snow and the swingometer!
I am flagging more than a class of semaphore students. (OK, not that much then.) But still, it's not looking exciting yet. Seems like Ohio-Pennsylvania-Florida is still the key. To recap: Ohio seems to be going to Kerry, but is subject to law suits about voters who have been unable to vote due to queues; Pennsylvania is looking like Kerry, but the rural vote hasn't been taken into account; Bush is looking good in Florida. If Kerry takes OH and PA, then he's a good bet for overall victory. I'm looking to stay up until at least one of these states gets called, so will probably leave around 4am. We'll see.
Latest -Loyd Grossman commenting on the BBC. Ollie: "I take it back! CNN!"
Hello once again. Some random woman is being rude about the British on the BBC, suggesting that we are "roast beef and always stick with America". We created your nation. You bow before us. And our election system is a) fairer and b) at a nicer hour.
Moving on... and a number of battleground states remain uncalled but probably will get called the moment I press "Publish". Tommy, of Dayolection interview fame, can't believe that neither Mississippi nor Missouri have been called. Colin is complaining about a lack of sleep but, as our token American, has been dwelling on the thought that European political leaders, particularly the Germans, probably secretly want Bush to win since it's a lot easier to blast Bush than Kerry.
OJ: "It's interesting about New Hampshire."
Ollie: "Why?"
OJ: "Because it was called for Kerry, now it's been retracted."
No one else saw it get called. OJ is the night's first victim.
There are drunk women still in the vicinity, although Japanese shakey-hand girl has hoved off into the distance, taking MediaMegastar and an unhealthy attraction to my Vodafone card with her. DayoSchamaLlama, our Dayorama spin-off, would have been doing a roaring trade tonight had I bothered to create it yet, since for some entirely unknown reason Simon Schama's opinion is considered valid by the BBC. OJ wonders what Radio 2 think about all of this. I don't know, but I'd imagine that all states with an R in their name would sound a little funny.
We think Maine has just been split, since Bush has gone up by one and Kerry subsequently down by one, but we're waiting on confirmation.
And yes, I'm still hanging on in there. The popular vote seems to be heading in the general direction of Bush, and we're about to have a wave of states announce... Colorado has voted to kill off its amendment, so all nine electoral college votes will go to one or the other (Colin says Bush). New York and Rhode Island to Kerry, others to Bush, no real surprises still...
Diane Kerry and her perhaps slightly more illustrious brother appear to be one and the same. I remember remarking about this a long time ago (in fact I might have even done it on Dayorama somewhere), but the similarity only grows stronger day by day. I suggest that this is how Kerry gets to be in so many states in one day. The question is, if Kerry's sister stands in for him, whose job is it to stand in for Bush? Marcelle's?
This may be our only round of interviews... both of us find this too embarrassing, going round the hall asking random people random questions. Luckily OJ was just drunk enough to try this once (and one of his interviewees was from Lincoln, the coward):
Tommy Cave
From: Northampton
Voting For: Kerry (but British so not really)
What Do You Think Of Exeter?: A nice setup, better than Lincoln, particularly since there's more seats. "Exeter has only really one quad." (Well said Tommy -OJ).
Interesting Thing That Happened Today: Mitre fire alarm (see below, Amy's post).
Lizzie Maughan
From: Australia (but born in Illinois)
Voting For: Kerry (could actually vote, but hasn't... possibly)
What Do You Think Of Exeter?: Too far away, can't actually hear anything (get here earlier, dumbass -Ollie). Girlfriend of a fellow (OJ says I might want to take that into consideration).
Interesting Thing That Happened Today: Didn't want to wake up (we said interesting!).
That's all for now. We'll be back with our 2am update soon.
Captain's Log, Supplemental: States are coming in thick and fast, and New Jersey has just been called for Kerry. This is heartening. There's a light-hearted atmosphere in here as state after state flashes up blue on the BBC - there's no mistaking the candidate we'd all send into the White House. Here comes Peter Snow, making the point that Illinois is the biggest state to go for Kerry so far, but there's also the point that so far there's been no real change from 2000. I'm still not sure what to think. But the fact that there's been no real failure on the art of Kerry so far is the best we can hope for.
Colin, our token American, raises the issue that if Kerry does happen to win, what would a certain Mrs Clinton do? She might end up having to wait until 2012, maybe 2016 to run for the presidency. Can she hold some form of public office, or even sufficient media attention, that long?
States called so far: Kentucky, Indiana, Georgia, West Virginia for Bush; Vermont for Kerry. Bet Kerry's feeling pleased right now. Seriously, everything seems to be going to plan so far. Gaining WV early is probably a bonus for Bush, but on the other hand plain Virginia is too close to call and should probably be Bush. Ohio is too close to call - no surprise there.
Just been informed:
- that according to my informants (a slightly drunk friend), Zogby is calling the Electoral Vote for Kerry with 314, but the popular vote for Bush?!
- the BBC tried to show a flashback to four years ago, and confused the hall briefly by calling Florida for Al Gore. Very odd.
- Pennsylvania and some other key states are coming up soon.
- it's still busy as hell in here. No flagging as yet.
- Peter Snow looks a tad overwhelmed with all the CGI this year. He did well with Battlefield Britain, but he's showing his age.
- there's a Japanese lady who is annoying Ollie by being awed by the Vodafone GPRS card; she now wants to send an email to David Dimbleby with an email address beginning "MediaMegastar" at a hotmail account.
- the BBC has David Frum on as a talking head. They've done well there.
- the Doritos are getting boring, and I've nearly finished all the beer.
- Colin is saying something about Gummy Bear eugenics. Eh?
- the ladies opposite me are trying to peel carrots with a plastic knife again.
- I'm winning the sweepstakes at the moment. 4 years of immersion in American political commentary has paid off.
Not much else to say. Hopefully we might have some interviews for the next posting, but I wouldn't bet on it. I'm currently planning on sleeping until 2 pm. Excellent.
[This post brought to you by a gently drunk OJ]
***Developing***
Zogby source confirmed by looking at their website. Kerry at 311. Holy shit.
Ollie here - it's just after midnight and states are starting to get called. Kentucky, for example, has just gone to Bush, but no real surprises as yet (nor any figures to talk about). We do, however, have more live images of our Dayorama election special. Here, you can see just how packed the hall remains even as we drift into the witching hour (and we'll try to reach Aaron for comment):
In other news:
- We've switched to the BBC, so no more quest to rid ourselves of Richard. Now, we have Peter Snow looking a little cold stood outside a virtual White House and even being dwarfed by a virtual helicopter. No Andrew Marr as yet.
- I have recovered a little after a jaffa cake assaulted me.
- OJ would like it to be known that in what is presumably an effort at both American allegiance and a bi-partisan approach, he is wearing a very fetching number which shows the White House alone. OJ wants America to win this election.
- Colin, our token American, has had the following to say: "To be perfectly honest, being cynical, I think Bush probably will win." So there you have it.
- Finally, our sweepstake is up and running. The three of us (me, OJ, Colin) have seventeen states each. We've had to call the winner, and the percentage they will win with, in each state. 20 points for the right winner, 20 points for the correct percentage, then a sliding scale of points depending how close to the percentage you were. We'll keep you updated.
The random CNN guy is Richard Quest. We are not impressed at all. For the love of God man, stop moving those arms, stop shouting and stop the raising the voice whilst stepping into camera to show action thing you have going on. It makes you look like a bad Andrew Marr imposter. Ollie or I could do a better job than you. Bring on the BBC! CNN is dull - I've seen enough hotel and airline adverts for one night.
In other new, Ollie has just cut the roof of his mouth on a jaffa cake. His teeth are stained blood red. Surely the Number 13 is only a few hours away...
This is your 11pm Dayorama Election Special bulletin, Ollie Williams reporting. In the last hour:
Mexicans Invade
From the tell-tale evidence on this bona fide US ballot, we can only conclude that that an inevitable Central American incursion into the southern US has already begun. Alternatively, I may conceivably have spilt salsa on my friend's postal ballot.
Anchorman Hurt In Line Of Duty
Fellow Dayorama anchor OJ Wooding is persevering with his election night duties, despite suffering a severe hand injury. Sustained, I might add, trying to open a bottle of Budweiser with various implements, including a pen, his teeth, another bottle of Bud and my keys. I am drinking Grolsch, the only Vegan beer on the market.
Elsewhere:
- Eyebrows a-go-go on CNN, whose coverage is being marred by an entirely incapable roving election reporter, and as OJ just said, an Eyebrow of Mass Destruction.
- John Kerry: "It's been a magical day." [CNN graphic]
- Dorothy: "I want to go back to Kansas." [Wooding pun]
Welcome, welcome, to an entire night's live blogging. We are now set up and raring to go inside the Exeter College dining hall, a huge building which is the perfect location from which to be watching an election. It'll be a long night but as OJ said, we aim to become the kings - at least in Oxford, which still means fierce competition - of live election blogging. OJ's gone back to fetch some software which should mean that later in the night, we can bring you photos of our night in progress, which we're sure will mean plenty to all of you around the world. Especially whichever one of you searched for "young blonde girl sodomised" and reached this site earlier today.
So, my predictions. I agree that whilst I think anyone except roughly 50 per cent of America would love a Kerry win, the undecideds are more than likely to err in favour of Bush. I've just been to a talk by Ann Wroe of the Economist, who pointed out that this election very much depends on "security moms", and I cannot see those security moms getting into voting booths with no decision made, then opting for Kerry. At this stage, I am prepared to stick my neck out and predict a narrow but visible, perhaps even uncontested (we can only hope) Bush victory.
I'm looking forward to this, and we will be updating regularly throughout the night. For now, I'm off to set up an election sweepstake, and then we'll... I dunno... play chess for a few hours. I've never had this much fun.
And so it begins. Four years of frustration and anger for some, or of just the beginning for others. It's Election night. The problem is, in the UK, we actually mean the morning. As in, we won't have a rough idea of what's happening until 5 am on Wednesday. Good job I have nothing planned for tomorrow. The last time I did something like this was almost a year ago, when I was in Princeton and watching the World Cup Final, which was shown at 4 am. No doubt this will be as tense.
What are we doing? Well, since every man and his blog has been live blogging previous election events - particularly the party conferences - now that we finally have a chance to do so, we couldn't say no. So Ollie and I will be in Exeter JCR all night long watching the coverage (BBC, I hope), and blogging as we go along. I'm going to bring my camera and hopefully we'll have some photos up. And we'll see how it goes (biggest fear currently - that Ollie's laptop has a crap battery and there are no plugs to charge it in the JCR.
We thought it would be worthwhile starting with some basic predictions, or at least setting out what we think is going to happen. Maybe we might have something more advanced involving betting later on. Anyway, I'm hoping for a Kerry win, but can't get away from the nagging fact that a lot of undecideds will break for Bush. I'm a natural conservative, but Bush, it seems, is not, and given my extreme distaste for his moral views, it's enough to push me firmly into the blue camp. All the polling data is suggesting that Kerry is in a stronger position than Gore was four years ago, and I want to believe it, but I still think this is going to go to Bush. The devil you know and all that... It seems that Florida, Ohio and Wisconsin are the key states, so we'll wait and see. I am also expecting there to be a clear winner, and none of the shenanigans involving lawyers and a missing Chief Justice. No reason to expect it, but just a gut feeling. Whatever happens, it should be a really fun night.
For anyone who missed it, for a few fleeting minutes Amy had a post here where she pointed out the "security concerns" that led George W Bush to close his official site to foreign access. She then illustrated that georgewbush.org works, thereby allegedly demonstrating how crap that security actually is. I suggest you go there and draw your own conclusions about security. Or sanity.
On a separate note, I become more convinced, day by day, that Bush will win this election. It is practically unfathomable when you, say, read NME's interviews with American artists or look at Vote For Change or listen to the overwhelming majority of media opinion (something like forty US newspapers are backing Kerry). But somehow - somehow - I have the feeling that it may not be enough. There's also the problem that whoever wins, it is almost certain to take months in courts across America for the final verdict to emerge. America is no longer the world's finest democracy. I wonder if the UN sends election observers? I'd be fascinated to see their post-election reports.
viDayorama at MPH
I'm delighted to say I've got some fantastic moments from the evening on tape, ready to use in a radio feature on Monday morning. But the hilarity certainly won't end tonight, with nine more sessions coming up, and that's just the first part of becoming an umpire. We could be at this for three years! We now have copies of the umpire's bible, Tom Smith's New Cricket Umpiring And Scoring, and it's possibly the single greatest textbook I've ever had. A textbook all about cricket! As Amy observed, an Oxford degree's got nothing on this.
Gillard Awards #3: Into The Spirit(s)
Result Of Olympic Proportions
Sun Goes for Labour
