Bless Madonna, trying to get into the spirit of things as she closes the Live Earth event at Wembley.

What to say, when you're the last act on stage and everyone else has already harped on endlessly about the environment? What to say, when Terence Stamp has just come on stage and sucked any momentum out of the entire day with a dry, monotone speech delivered like a lecture to the Wembley WI?

Here's Madge's suggestion:

'"If you want to save the planet, let me see you jumping up and down!"

What's that going to achieve? Are we going to collectively jog the planet slightly off course, widen the orbit a fraction, and cool the face of the globe just enough to get by for another few hundred years? I mean, it's a plan, but even 80,000 people being ordered to "Jump, Motherfuckers!" by a 48-year-old mother of two-and-a-bit is unlikely to work. Al, we need a Plan B.