You ought to see my handbag:

1 x mobile (need to put it up above the cot when I get in)
1 x blackberry (got a bit squished so it's really blackberry juice by now)
1 x wallet (not sure whose)
1 x house key (need two keys to get in, this is not good)
1 x car key (shame car won't start, luckily have Oyster card and map)
1 x blackberry charger (makes electricity from squished blackberries)
1 x mobile charger (I thought most chargers were mobile, can't help but feel I've been done here)
1 x Sat Nav (need to tell the handbag where we're going)
1 x Sat Nav charger (in case I walk so far the Sat Nav gives out on me)
1 x map of London (if I walk that far chances are I'll be lost)
1 x novel (The Thorn Birds Again, unimaginative sequel to The Thorn Birds)
1 x diary (need to check if it's a weekend, see below)
1 x notebook (covered in blackberry stains)
1 x hairbrush (bits of blackberry in it, otherwise mint condition)
1 x umbrella (have you ANY idea how hard it was finding a five foot long handbag?)
5 x pens (can never have enough pens)
4 x pencils (far too many. Can always have enough pencils)
1 x mascara (it's a weekend)
3 x eye liner (not only is it a weekend, it's Mardi Gras)
2 x lipstick (in case of emergency colour change - imagine turning up and SOMEONE ELSE is wearing the SAME colour!)
1 x foundation (2 x GNVQ, 9 x GCSE and 4 x A level, in case I meet prospective employer. After all, it's a weekend)
2 x eyeshadow (for black eye effect when I pretend I was mugged to the nice policeman who asks why I've got someone else's wallet in my handbag)
1 x packet of chewing gum (need to freshen breath after all that blackberry juice)
1 x packet of tissues (for mopping up blackberry)
1 x sanitiser spray (get blackberry off hands... it looks like blood... and here's the smell of the blood, still! All the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand)
1 x pair of tights (it's a weekend)
1 x secruity pass (if I spell 'security' wrong they might not notice and I'll get through)
1 x Oyster card (see, you'd think I'd got seafood all over it, but really that's a speck of blackberry)
1 x bottle of perfume (of Arabia, to sweeten this little hand, although I've got grave doubts over its efficacy)

Honest!