Celebrity Big Brother has landed once again with a new crop of celebrities. One of them isn't actually a celebrity, although I defy you to pick the right one, even once Channel 4 have told you. Here's the list of contestants, and here's an idea of what might happen on the first day...

It's Day One in the Big Brother house, and Pete Burns, star of 80s group Dead Or Alive, lies face down in the swimming pool with that question no longer in doubt. A nervous Michael Barrymore sits as far away from the pool as he can possibly be without appearing conspicuously far away from the pool, and is thus seated at the breakfast bar, next to Maggot, rapper with Goldie Lookin' Chain.

"It wasn't me this time," says Barrymore, allowing himself a second too long to look at the pool before snapping his gaze back to the middle distance of the kitchen work surface. "And that doesn't mean it was me last time either. Because it wasn't. As I've said. But it wasn't me this time and there's cameras everywhere to prove it."
"You knows it," concurs Maggot. "Those fu-", and there the viewers leave the conversation for ten minutes of audio from the chicken coop as Maggot delivers his opinions. Eventually we return. "Safe," he concludes.

Meanwhile, on the lounge sofa, unknown entrant Chantelle is attempting to fulfil her brief and fill indie rocker Samuel Preston's briefs by convincing him, or at least his erogenous zones, that she is indeed a famous person. "I'm an It Girl dahhhling," she purrs into her microphone, enunciating the 'It' with enough cut glass to furnish the entire transparent bathroom provided. "You must have seen me. I'm an A-lister!"
"You can't be," says Preston, seeing through her disguise like he'll see through the bathroom wall when she's in the shower later. "After all you're in here, aren't you?"

In the diary room, George Galloway is receiving a grilling from Davina McCall via the studio link-up, over rumours that Oona King was supposed to be entering the house instead of him.
"Mr Galloway, are you proud of having got rid of one of the very few black women famous and unemployed enough to want to come on the show?"
"What a preposterous question," he retorts." Wouldn't you be better starting by congratulating me for one of the most sensational eviction results in modern history?"
"But George, we haven't had an eviction yet-"
"Move on to your next question, Davina, I've got a lot of other people who want to speak to me."
"George, no one else in there wants to speak to you, that's why you've sat in the diary room all day. We've had the microphone turned off for the last four hours to give the producers a rest. Now are you proud-"
"If you ask that question again, I'm going, I warn you."
"Going where, exactly, George? The next Jack Dee, are we? Tony Banks was sitting here five minutes ago, and he said that you were behaving inexcusably, that you had deliberately chosen to go to that part of the house and to exploit the leather armchair there."
This was enough for George. "You are actually conducting one of the most - even by your standards - one of the most boring interviews I have ever participated in. I have just won an eviction. Can you find it within yourself to recognise that fact? To recognise the fact that the people of Britain chose me this evening. Why are you insulting them? Can't you find it within yourself even to congratulate me on this victory?"
"Congratulations, Mr Galloway. Now please go and join Mr Burns."